brighter than the northern lights: 2009

12.25.2009

general Christmas:

i think i am plagued with the inability to sleep on Christmas Eve. it didn't even FEEL like Christmas Eve and it still took me like 2.5 hours to go to sleep. and i woke up at 5... geeeeeez. but anyways. then we did the general "kids come downstairs and we all open presents thing." and we were done by 7:30. wow. my big present was money (love it). and there were socks, scarves, hats, etc, to go along.

after all this i got dressed. we had two more Christmases (each set of Grandparents).

okay i know there was a reason i wrote all of this down for you... but right now i'm just not sure what it is.

so anyway. i leave for KC with Philip on Sunday. here's the guest list: Shelby Churchman, Kaitlyn Lassalle, Molly McGuirt, Joy Metz, Jessica Metz, Sara Lague, Philip Lee, Marcus Brinkman, Garrett Marcantel, and sombody named JC whom i do not know... i don't think you know how excited i am. so, because i love packing oh so very much (but, really, i do. i LOVEEEE it :]]]), i pulled out my large, green, North Face duffel today, piled stuff on top of it, and made a wal-mart list.

yeah this is all really boring. so i'm going to go start 17 Again and lounge in these really really really really really amazing new fleece pants from REI and shweeet snowflake knee socks.

deuces.

12.21.2009

booksssss.

i really love to read. but during school i just seem to forget how much i love reading--probably due the lack of time and desire to read after my homework is finished.

i woke up today with the incredible urge to go to the library. so i did. and i came home with four books (a bit ambitious for the break, i know). the books are incredibly varied, and i'm really excited about all of them...

1. someday this pain will be useful to you by Peter Cameron [this is kind of a teen angst novel, but not. it's high-level (uses bigger and more complicated words and sentences than most books found in the Young Adult fiction) and has been compared to Catcher in the Rye. so far, it's great]

2. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe [this is a classic. i could have read it for extra credit this semester but did not get the chance to. i still wanted to read it though, so i got it... call me a nerd.]

3. Viola in Reel Life by Adriana Trigiani [every series of books needs an easy-read teen novel. it's about a girl who has to move from NYC to a boarding school in Indiana. "I saw a full moon over a pristine lake, and I met a boy and I didn't panic, and he kissed me three times, and I laughed and I had fun and I danced. In Indiana!" precious, no? yes.]

4. garbage by A.R. Ammons [this is a poem (a 120-page-long poem) that i have started reading before but never got around to finishing. i really love it, though. and i do want to finish it.]

i must be crazy to want to read all these over my four-week break from school...

12.17.2009

ha. ha.

currently listening to: Regina Spektor radio (yes, still). favorite songs from today "True Affections" by The Blow an "Folding Chair" by Regina Spektor.

okay i'm pretty sure this blog is my favorite means of procrastination...

i took an english exam earlier today. my teacher told us "this easy exam is a reward for all of your hard work this semester." so ptl for that, right? right. ummm i also got my PSAT score back today: it dropped one point. earlier this year, my mom said she would give me $100 if i brought it up. which is very uncharacteristic, but hey, i wasn't complaining... but it dropped. blahhh. haha. oh well. my ACT will get me scholarships.

finally, finals. i have my two hard finals tomorrow. i've been studying basically since like 2. i'm dyinggg. i've never studied this much. ever before in my life. ever.

okay i just needed a break. i'm going to start working again. see you guyses lata.

12.15.2009

Regina Spektor

you know those posts that are short and really aren't that interesting? this is one of those posts...

i've been almost obsessed with Regina Spektor radio on Pandora. Regina Spektor, the Beatles, Feist, Ingrid Michaelson, Kate Nash, Coldplay... i'm convinced this is what is getting me through finals week (and online traffic school, ew).

12.12.2009

on my lips

i'm not a songwriter. i've written one before it was bogus. but i really needed to give it a shot tonight. i don't know why. i just felt that urge...

on my lips

sometimes i feel i'm falling
but i know you'll catch me
sometimes i feel like crawling
you always bring me to my feet
sometimes i feel like crying
and you're always there
sometimes i feel i'm dying
but i know you care

i need you now
yes, i need you now

on my own, i am nothing
i need you to mold me
all i know is you are something
completely pure and holy
when i feel so far away
i know that you will hear me
when i can't find the words to say
you are still near me

i need you now,
yes i need you now

come save me, come free me
from affliction's grip
when i'm drowning in the ocean
your name is on my lips

and i need you
and i need you
and i need you now

E A2 C#m7 B
C#m7 A E B

12.10.2009

no no no.

i am incredibly frustrated right now. because i just spent at least two hours gathering information and typing an introduction to the final essay in my HOD project only to have microsoft word crash, causing me to lose it all. i really am just ready to get this over with. today marked the one-month anniversary of the beginning of the project. i'm over it, to say the least.

kay. back to writing.

12.09.2009

"for You alone are worthy, for You alone are worthy, for You alone are worthy Christ the Lord..."

tonight, in an acoustic, coffee-house setting i was left alone in my thoughts. we sang those words over and over. the beauty of dozens of teenagers taking a break from studies and whatever else is going on in their lives to worship our Savior amazes me. but that song isn't what got to me... we sang "Be Near" by Shane and Shane. i almost lost it. you know those songs that make you cry every time you hear them? yeah, Be Near is that song for me. i don't even really know what was going through my head, other than the simple thoughts of God's incredible love for us--something i often take for granted. i really don't know why i'm telling you this, or even where it is going, but i guess i feel like i just needed to vent a little bit. i really don't even know.

12.02.2009

prejudice scale.

this is probably my best essay thus far. but i'm just going to post these next three together and quickly so that you don't have to read this. i'm only posting them to keep me sane.

prejudice in thoughts…
Prejudice takes its root in the mind of men. Every evil word and action begins with a thought. Like a match being lit, prejudice in thoughts is the beginning of a greater evil.

prejudice in words…
Taking thoughts one step further produces evil words on which even greater prejudices are based. A small fire, not yet capable of destroying homes, resources, or hope can still take root and become something even greater, even more destructive.

prejudice in actions…
Taking hatred and anger out through actions reinforced prejudiced words. Actions are destructive physically and mentally. As a fire grows, it strengthens, becoming capable of destroying even entire cities or civilizations.

prejudice in lifestyle…
Prejudice can take over a man’s life, causing everything in his path to be destroyed. Nothing good can come from evil thoughts, words, or actions, therefore leaving nothing but destruction in the aftermath of prejudice. *

1. Thought:
“A few days later I arrived in a city that always makes me think of a whited sepulchre” (62).
“Their minds are of the stay-at-home order, and their home is always with them… there is nothing mysterious to a seaman unless it be the sea itself, which is the mistress of his existence and as inscrutable as Destiny” (56).
With every evil thought, man strikes a match. Prejudice begins in the mind of every man, woman, and child. Sheer ignorance and selfishness lay the foundations for thoughts of prejudice. Blindness and apathy are building blocks, pushing growth of prejudice far beyond intended. Marlow shows readers just how destructive thoughts are. As readers follow his train of thoughts, listening to every memory of his journey through the African wilderness they realize Marlow’s ability to produced prejudiced thoughts. Every character in Heart of Darkness shows signs of some level of prejudice, although most of it is kept inside their minds. Mankind has become calloused to evil thoughts, and our minds are sodden with prejudice and hate.

2. Words:
“He began with the argument that we whites, from the point of development we had arrived at, ‘must necessarily appear to them [savages] in the nature of supernatural beings—we approach them with the might as of deity… By the simple exercise of our will we can exert a power for good practically unbounded,’ etc., etc” (117).
Marlow, when reading Kurtz’s report, sees prejudice put in to words. When thoughts become words, they seem to take physical form outside of the mind of mankind. Rather than being appalled and taking action against prejudice, man tends to either turn the other cheek or, in some cases, agree. Evil or demeaning words spoken at or about a person have the ability to take effect immediately. When thoughts become words, they take shape, bringing pain to everyone who hears them. Marlow’s negative thoughts towards the African natives are reinforced by Kurtz’s words. Marlow brings his prejudiced thoughts to the Congo and it is easy to see everyone there shares his ideas on the authority and understood power of the white men. Before hateful words were uttered, the prejudiced thoughts were left untouched, lingering in the back of pilgrim’s minds.

3. Actions:
“Therefore he whacked the old nigger mercilessly, while a big crowd of his people watched him, thunderstruck…” (61).
“A nigger was being beaten near by. They said he had caused the fire in some way; be that as it may, he was screeching most horribly” (81).
Actions stretch farther, cut deeper than words. After becoming calloused to words spoken, prejudice begins to take over people, controlling even their actions. The fire at the Central Station was obviously not caused by the African native who was beaten, but the pilgrims’ pride was so overwhelming they took out their anger on an innocent human. To the white men in the Congo, mistreatment of the Natives came naturally. There was no second thought about abusing the workers in the stations. The pilgrims were greedy. All they wanted was to get rich. Their every effort went toward finding and harvesting ivory. They would stop at nothing to get what they wanted. Not even the “stupid” Savages could get in their way.

4. Lifestyle:
“They passed me within six inches, without a glance, with that complete, deathlike indifference of unhappy savages. Behind this raw matter one of the reclaimes, the product of the new forces at work, strolled despondently, carrying a rifle by its middle… seeing a white man on the path, [he] hoisted his weapon to his shoulder with alacrity. This was simple prudence, white men being so much alike at a distance that he could not tell who I might be. He was speedily reassured, and with a large, white, rascally grin, and a glance at this charge, seemed to take me into partnership in his exalted trust. After all, I also was a part of the great cause of these high and just proceedings” (70).
The white man on the path, upon seeing Marlow, stiffened his posture and looked more attentive. Why? Because Marlow was white. There was no reason other than Marlow’s skin color. He did not even know who Marlow was. Every action in the Congo was centered around the mistreatment of and prejudice toward the dark-skinned natives. To the pilgrims, it was first instinct to give more respect to the other white men, and none to the savages. The pilgrims’ entire lives had been changed by their experiences in the African jungle. Before, they may have simply been naïve, foolish men who did not notice the evil around them, but after spending time in the selfish air of the Congo, they themselves were producing evil. They were the very basis of prejudice in Africa. Greed, blindness, ignorance, and selfishness all continue to grow and increase the growth of hatred toward the natives.

*insert pictures: thoughts/match, words/small fire, actions/destructive fire, lifestyle/ruins

11.17.2009

conradian reversal

essay on light and dark imagery in HOD. and the conradian reversal.

As she gazed across the darkening horizon, she noticed a small pinpoint of light. Keeping her mind on the spot, she allowed her eyes to scan the ocean, and continued to find white lights spread across the deep green, almost black, sea. She held Harlow close to her chest and rocked her back and forth, all the while saying, “He’ll come home soon… daddy’s coming…” Watching as the lights grew more distant, she lost hope and called it a night. She laid Harlow in her crib, turned off the lights, and crawled under the covers as she had done so many nights before. Light and dark have a tendency to deceive. As mankind discovers light in this world, darkness continues to present itself in a threatening way. So often Joseph Conrad uses light and dark imagery to present truths. In Heart of Darkness Conrad takes reality into his own hands and twists it by reversing the meanings of the light and dark imagery.

“A dark figure obscured the lighted doorway of the manager’s hut, vanished, then, a second or so after, the doorway itself vanished, too” (Conrad 89). While in Africa, Marlow discovered a darkness capable of overwhelming all light and stamping out any flames. This darkness was caused by the corruption of the white pilgrims who came to the wilderness with selfish motives. Most of the evil brought into the Congo could be traced to Kurtz, found at the center of the Congo, the “heart of darkness.” Kurtz became the root of the problem without being present in most situations. His image became the model for every pilgrim in “the Company,” and kept any light from being visible through the darkness.

The darkness overwhelmed the light, and even when light was found, it was in such small amounts and was almost not visible at all. When Marlow’s steamboat traveled up the Congo toward Kurtz and the inner station, they encountered a dense fog. “When the sun rose there was a white fog, very warm and clammy, and more blinding than the night” (102). For a moment Marlow noticed the sun. The sun did not bring joy, however, as readers might have expected. The darkness in Africa, caused by the pilgrims, was so impenetrable not even the sun could break through.

Although Conrad was not the first to twist the roles of light and dark imagery in his writing, his messages were so advanced the concept has now become known as the “Conradian reversal.” In this reversal, light takes on a dark meaning, representing a “bad” idea, while the dark images become “good.” Conrad wrote, “Hunters for gold or pursuers of fame, they all had fone out on that streams, bearing the sword, and often the torch, messengers of the might within the land, bearers of a spark from a sacred fire” (55). The pilgrims in Africa brought an evil unknown to the natives. The light-skinned pilgrims came to the Congo selfishly, and the innocence of the dark-skinned Natives became more and more a desired trait. The hearts of the pilgrims, called “emissaries of light” (65) corrupted so many ideas in their society and the negative changes could not be reversed. Below the surface, the natives were, without a doubt, the lesser of the two “evils.”

Many nights, she sat, staring out into the darkness, and let the lights raise her hopes. Tonight, after turning off her lights and crawling in to her bed, she lay awake for awhile. Her eyes penetrated the darkness, and before long, she was able to see almost clearly. She heard a knock at the door. Heart racing, the girl cautiously peered out of her window. The porch light revealed the face of the man she had stayed up so many nights waiting for. She let him in and greeted him with a passionate embrace, planning to never let him go again. After so many nights of darkness, she was at peace. Before understanding Heart of Darkness on a deeper level, it seems to readers that Africa is the root of all evil. But after reading, it is evident that the evil comes from the heart of every man. The light in our lives is often blocked out by the overwhelming powers of darkness, but in Christ we can overpower evil. The only true light is that of Christ Jesus.

11.16.2009

almost there! [i wish]

we are probably about halfway through with our projects...

this is a character sketch. i don't know what to tell you if you haven't read the book... i'll explain after it...

Article A: Entry from journal found near the body at the scene of the crime.

“[entry date smudged by water stains]
I havent’ written in a few days. In fact, I haven’t done much of anything since he came to visit me. Marlow, I believe was his name. I still don’t know exactly why he came. Maybe for closure? Who can tell… His cheeks were on the verge of sinking. He had a yellowish tint to his complexion.When he talked, his hands flew around wildly, with almost no control (Conrad 54). He did have a sort of radiating glow about him, though (56). But maybe that was simply an illusion. The weaknesses of his heart shone through in his words. He seems to be speaking only to please me (58). And I, I did not have the heart to let him know I could see through his lies. He told me of my Beloved’s last words. I simply could not believe him.
He brought me a stack of papers. And a picture. I remember giving that picture to my Beloved when… oh, nevermind. It doessn’t matter. I don’t even care anymore. Anyway, Marlow. He seemes to be talking only to make me happy. It was as if everything he had recently discovered meant nothing (154). He loved Kurtz. Not, of course, as I loved him. But he respected him, nonetheless (151). He was, though, a bit withdrawn whenhespoke of Kurtz, my beloved, and of the wilderness. His eyes became glossy. He just seemed… distant, I guess. A sense of panic would engulf him once in a while, before he came to his senses and gathered his thoughts (151).He was distracted by everything in the room. His eyes would wonder away from me as he remembered the happenings of their journeys (150).
He did, I am positive he knew my Beloved Kurtz better than anyone. If I am sure of anything, I am sure of that. He showed no sign of Kurtz’s love for me. It was not apparent. Marlow, bless him, did all he could to comfort me, and I thank him for this…
But now, I don’t think I can go on like this… I just can’t do it…

Goodbye.”

okay this is a journal entry written by a woman who was supposed to be married to Kurtz (a "main character" but really just an idea representing evil). Marlow, THE main character came to visit Kurtz's "intended." this was written afterwords.

the next few essays are the deeper ones: civilization essay, light/dark essay, gothicism essay, etc.

so yeah i'll finish sometime, i promise!

close reading

"Going up that river was like travelling back to the earliest beginnings of the world, when vegetation rioted on the earth and the big trees were kings. An empty streams, a great silence, an impenetrable forest. The air was warm, thick, heavy, sluggish. There was no joy in the brilliance of sunshine” (94).

Allusion: a reference, within a literary work, to another work of fiction, a film, a piece of art, or even a real event. An allusion serves as a kind of shorthand, drawing on this outside work to provide greater context or meaning to the situation being written about. The allusion to the Garden of Eden at the beginning of time creates a mental image of a utopian landscape and social harmony. The image Marlow is describing, however, is not a peaceful one at all. Empty streams, silence, forests, and thick air are all mentioned in these few sentences. These words create a completely different image: one of darkness, rather than one of light.

Connotation: the associated or secondary meaning of a word or expression in addition to its explicit or primary meaning. Riots are chaotic. They are evil. They hurt. The pilgrims were creating riots deep within the African wilderness. These men were selfish and filled with pride. The “rioting vegetation” goes hand-in-hand with the allusion to the Garden of Eden, where the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil became the symbol of the fall of man. The native plants and resources, especially ivory, proved to be the root of the greed within the pilgrims in Africa.

Metaphor: a figure of speech in which an implied comparison is made between two unlike things that actually have something in common. A metaphor expresses the unfamiliar in terms of the familiar. The pilgrims, especially Kurtz, became like “big trees,” exalted above everything so all eyes could see. The goal of all men who went to the Congo was to become the “next big thing.” Their selfishness overruled any moral standards they may have held before embarking on their journeys. The pilgrims caused the air, or atmosphere, to be warm, thick, heavy, and sluggish. Their greed smothered every other emotion and thought, sweeping them under the rug.

Irony: a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated; a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated. Sunshine is often used to represent light emotions, especially happiness. Sunshine represents the beginning of a new day, shattering the darkness of the night. In the African environment, full of pain and punishment, not even the sunshine could bring the hope of a new day. The hardened hearts of the pilgrims created a fog, blocking the sunshine and preventing joy from reaching the hearts and minds of everyone else.

i would have spared you this... but it's probably the best close reading i've ever done... sad, huh? anyway. i'm basically okay with it. usually i hate stuff i write...

11.11.2009

2nd and 3rd legs

currently listening to: Imperfection by Skillet (throwback camp drama song).

these will be interesting one we get to the deepr stuff, but for now, this is what's going on...

2. vocab: we had to pick 20 words. define them. write down the text sentence. and create an origina setence. an example of one of mine:

17. stanchion - [stan-shuhn] – n.- an upright bar, beam, post, or support, as in a window, stall, ship
-“‘The boiler was in the fore-end, and the machinery right astern. Over the whole there was a light roof, supported on stanchions.’” (109)
-The stanchion upheld the glass separating the man from the frigid cold and biting winds of the night air.

BORING, RIGHT?! RIGHT.

3. universal quote/reponse
Quote:
“What greatness had not floated on the ebb of that river into the mystery of an unknown earth!... The dreams of men, the seed of commonwealths, the germs of empires” (55).
Response:
Throughout history, mankind has pushed past physical and mental limits to explore the mysteries of the world. For centuries, the desire to discover uncharted lands gripped the minds of explorers all over the world. Today, although the urge to explore new continents is not prominent, men and women pursue other mysteries, going out of their way to get everything they want. Society thrives on the discovery of the unknown: if humans didn’t take risks and step out into the unknown, societies would make little progress.
Marlow, after pursuing his own dreams, and traveling into the wilderness, realized something that many people don’t. He recognized the selfishness of men. He knew there was a problem. But Marlow came to this realization after it was too late. He witnessed so many tragic things in the African jungle and did nothing to stop them. Marlow fell into the mindset held by many if not all pilgrims to the Congo. They believed their skin color produced ultimate supremacy and they took all means necessary to get what they desired.
“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). The Bible clearly commands us to follow God. He is thoroughly pleased when people desire to live for Him. If they desire to follow God and if their hearts are fully devoted to Him, their desires will be fulfilled. The pursuit of material items, the very pursuit that causes men to dream, is the seed of commonwealths, and corrupts empires is the pursuit the Bible so many times instructs men to avoid. It is true that societies should take risks, but many times risks taken don’t produce the results desired. Perhaps society should reevaluate the risks, their purposes, and ultimate goals.

11.04.2009

first update.

edit::

here it is... in all it's glory. this is the front cover. representing the "problem"

these words sum up the "problem"

last night i finished Heart of Darkness. it was decent. definitely very deep. like WOAH. um we took the test today so i don't have to worry about that anymore. PTL. hopefully the rst of the project will be a lot easier after that. so yeah anyway. the first step is to create a front and back cover for a one inch binder (that will hold the rest of the project). so that is what i'm starting right now. i'm really excited about this because it's creative. and i like to do that kind of thing. i'll post pictures as i get things done. ready, GO!

11.02.2009

Heart Of Darkness

during the next few weeks i am going to take you with me as i journey through Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. my teacher told us before we started reading that this would be the hardest book we will ever read. many of you have probably read it sometime before in your life. and if not. well i'm not sure if i can say i recommend it yet. i'll get back to you on that after we finish. but anyway. there is a very in depth project to accompany this book that will take us multiple weeks to complete. (i don't know how long... the individual assignments are due at different dates.

so anyway. i am going to use this blog to... i guess share my thoughts on the book. fill you in on discussions from in class. share my project with you. i don't know. the book is very dark and deep and i'm hoping to get as much out of it as possible.

so i'm going to go read it now. 60 more pages. due wednesday. which normally would be a piece of cake. but this time it's different.

song for this post: "Again" by Flyleaf.

10.29.2009

and once again...

this is my second post in two days. apparently i'm blogging like it's going out of style. but this is not true.

i came home from school today after attending a mandatory assembly about drunk driving. well this is what it was supposed to be about, but it ended up being just a bunch of really gory pictures of trauma patients... you know the slide show i'm talking about... well anyway. i came home and i was not in a very good mood after that. i laid down for a while before i had to leave to go to swim. i really did not want to go. at all. it was raining. i did not feel like driving all the way to UALR in the torrential downpours... and yeah. so needless to say, i was definitely in a bad mood.

well on the way, i was driving down cantrell (where i passed my favorite tree). and i noticed how incredible the trees looked at that particular time. the weather was horrible, but the trees still maintained there majesty. i changed the radio to some random station and "Never Say Never" by The Fray was on. it was at the part of the song where they repeat "don't let me go" over and over and over. and it's really intense. okay so at this point in time i almost lost it. a wave of peace and love came over me. it was such a strange moment. i literally just got the chills. the thought of God's love for us (no matter how far we stray from him) is relentless. lately i've felt His presence so much. and it's beginning to all come together in my mind.

so i am going to leave you with some lyrics.

"Your love is relentless and i'm glad for it, i'm glad for it. your love is relentless and i'm glad. Your love is relentless and if not for it, if not for it. i'd perish for sure if not for it. Savior for the faithful, we're in the hands of God. Love has come and we are safe. Hope has come and we are safe. We're in the hands of God..."
-Birmingham (We Are Safe) by DCB

p.s. i realize that most if not all of you who read this (all what, four? of you...) are in college and are majoring in some sort of english or writing. please excuse my lack of organization, creativity, skill... thanks.

10.28.2009

relationships

i'm just going to go out on a limb and blog about this.. maybe. am i? i don't know...

okay here goes. you hear that "relationships change," right? right. all the time. i hear this. but it seems that lately relationships in my life are changing more often and more rapidly than ever. this can not be categorized as a "good" or "bad" thing. it's just kind of happening. and it's strange. and trilling. and i like it. God has blessed me with revived relationships, strengthened relationships, and even new relationships...

there is a relationship that has been taken away, though.
not a specific one, just in general. i've never had any problem with dating, and i still don't. but honestly, i just don't think about it anymore. and if the random thought does happen to pop in my head, almost immediately another thought comes, telling me to not think about it. so i don't. and you all probably know this, but life is so much easier without that hanging over your head all the time.

i would expand on my dilemma. and the glitch in this system. but it's really not necessary. and it really doesn't even matter. and it makes me seem like i think about it all the time, which i kind of do... but hey i'm just a girl.

sorry this was so lame. if you guys actually read these, i love you.

p.s. i'm growing my hair out. get excited. according to jarrod, it will look good and guys generally like longer hair better. thanks friend.

10.24.2009

ACT

EDIT: was i supposed to come out of there completly despising the ACT? because i didn't... is it really that bad? who knows...

so i feel like this is a big landmark in the life of a student. the first time to take the ACT. it's not really important or anything yet. but it's kind of a big deal, you know. i mean, i'll be doing this probably every 3 or 4 months of the next year and a half or so. (unless i ace it this time... which probably won't happen, haha). okay well that's my update for now. i'm drinking some delicious coffee and eating a granola bar. life is so good.

song: Us by Regina Spektor

10.22.2009

heroes by day, warriors by night.

i am listening to: Church Music, DCB (the whole album is incredible).

DISCLAIMER: keep reading. it'll get interesting i promise. kind of.

i am blogging right now instead of writing an anotated glossary on personification in A Separate Peace. this is definitely a reoccurring event in my life. it seems that, beyond facebook, this blog is my number one means of procrastination. i think i should make a plan and start doing my homework when i get home from school instead of waiting until the nighttime. because right now it's 9 o'clock. i am tired. my hair smells like chlorine thanks to swim practice. i still have to write all of this anotated glossary. i probably won't do my calculus. hm. oh and i need to shower.

i've also realized that i write incredibly boring blogs. but if the rare event of a profound thought ever does happen, i'm bad at putting that thought in to words and telling you (whoever you are that is reading this) about it.

so all that aside, it is the end of homecoming week. the game is tomorrow. we've dressed up all week... basically it just makes me not want to do any work. so i'll put some pics up for you to see.

just being silly before the parade.

all the characters for the float...

me with some of my cheerleader friends.

superhero day. i was in disguise. she was obviously batman :]

decked out for powderpuff. this is my precious new friend sarah. i love her a lot and she is such a blessing to me. definitely an answered prayer.

okay i really should write this now... thanks for your time.

10.14.2009

worship.

if you haven't ever had the chance to experience a live worship concert, i highly reccomend it. having just gotten home from seeing Hillsong live, i am energized and want to share some things with you. one recurring theme of the songs was an image of Christ's death on the cross. i mean, obviously, this is a very general and, for lack of a better word, popular image in Christianity. but i don't remember ever realizing how often we sing songs about it. in any case, i don't believe we think about the crucifixion often enough in worship. the image is horrifying and beautiful at the same time. just to sing the captivting words was incredible.

the second thing i noticed was how many of their songs talked about praise. praise being all we desire, all we do, what we excel at. we are expected to show others the love of Christ, through our actions. it was amazing to be able to jump up and down, dnce, shout, and all out worship God without worries. this is what everyday should be like. we shouldn't be afraid to do something completely random and spontaneous for the Lord and stand out among those around us.

at one point in the service, Darlene took time to pray for all the people in the room who were involved in some sort of musical worship leading. whether it be singing, playing an instrument, dancing, producing, songwriting. it was really neat to feel the presence of God anointing our worship leading and everything we are doing. anytime we are specifically prayed over, there is something that envelops us. it was inspiring for that certain aspect of our lives to be prayed over by her. i mean, worship is what she does for a living. and she is praying for US. it just goes to show how much God cares about every little thing we do.

okay well after that, i am completely worn out. worship drains me. but i must move on to my calulus homework.

song for this post: Tear Down the Walls by Hillsong (yes this is just a coincidence).

10.13.2009

the healing within

okay so the title isn't permanent i just can't quite think of one. but anyway. this is for a creative writing assignment from aplit to go along with A Separate Peace. also: the names and flowers have certain meanings, they weren't just picked randomly. yes, i am that deep. haha and it was complete coincidence that the girls' name i gabi.

There was a flower. One lone evening primrose reaching up through the snow. With your hand in mine we walked. We walked and talked. We fell in love. I know we fell in love because the moment was beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. The chilling cold and biting winds meant nothing to us. As we walked close together through the wilderness of Montana, we experienced life and magic. If I grew tired, you held me in your arms. If I talked, you listened. That afternoon secured my hopes and dreams. Do you remember? I hope you do. It was then we discovered true love.

After that moment we were changed. We didn’t stop or slow down or grow weary. We trudged on through the fresh snow, soft and beautiful… and deceiving. Another flower. They became more frequent and more beautiful, overcoming the harsh surroundings. I was captivated; I almost didn’t notice your stopping so abruptly. Looking around, I saw a change in the terrain. With no warning we had stumbled across beauty and peace itself: a hidden haven among the cold, acres of flowers spread out before our eyes. The flowing yellow fields seemed to last forever, but were our eyes playing tricks on us? Almost as soon as we began to slowly make our way through the field, stopping to dance, to sing, and to enjoy ourselves, the ground changed once again, this time, sloshing beneath our feet.

The new snow was not as soft as before, but it was not firm either. We were in a state of in between, a middle ground. Our journey continued to present rough patches followed by captivating sights. Once or twice you became distracted and let go of my hand. It was during these moments I was not sure where I was going, I lost myself. But you returned. You never failed to bring me back to you. I always knew where I was when we were together. When we walked hand in hand through the wilderness of Montana, your eyes, your gaze, drew me in every time. I knew I loved you and I knew I always would.

That was then, however. We didn’t know what lie ahead. Such pain, such loss. No field of flowers hidden in the snow could prepare us for that. The day in the hospital replays over and over again in my mind. Her name would have been Gabriella. I still love her. I still miss her. I tell Zoe about her. Sometimes we talk about what Gabi would have been like. Would she be blonde or dark? Loud or quiet? Tall or short? Do you ever wonder?

You and I also talk about Gabi often. Communication strengthens us. We are continually growing. Family. We walk hand in hand in hand. We walk close together through the streets of Madison. When I grow tired, you hold me in your arms. When I talk, you listen.

10.11.2009

four days of my life.

this is how i spent the last 4 days of my life.

thursday: school, tiger tunes.
friday: contemporary world, taco bell, nothing, nothing, nothing, wendy's,sat in the student center, shared life stories, saw mario and luigi, slept.
satuday: chic, homecoming [we left wayy early], nothing, made lots of hilar videos with susannah, drove around creepy roads, ran through a field of soybeans, watched hannah montana, slept.
sunday: woke up late, went to Christian Ministries [baller], went to the Kream Kastle, and the rest is boring

but anyways. this weekend was amazing. the end.

10.06.2009

lessons? ha!

so i was talking to a friend just now and she asked me what i have learned this year. this is what came out of that:

i've learned that if you study, you will get better grades. it's not fun to have a wreck. time management is key. music is also key. you can have a best friend of the opposite sex, but not without the risk of people questioning you about it. and college is coming soon.

those are my life lessons from this year so far. things are going to great. school is still hard, but that's to be expected.

okayyyyy.

song: i swear i mean it this time by mayday parade

10.01.2009

woah man.

so remember that time that i kind of freaked out a little bit when my eight-year-old brother asked me if i knew where i wanted to go to college? and i didn't know? yeahh woahhh. and this month i'm taking te PSAT, the ACT, and registering for the SAT. and there are 2 college fairs. i'm going on college visits. talking to reps coming to my school.

when did this all happen? since when am i supposed to be ready for college? i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm sooo excited. but dang, all of a sudden it seems like i have to have good test scores and be accept to college right now. which i know is not true. i just didn't realize how much of a hassle all of this was. phew.

okay i just had to get that out. i'm off to college fair number one: Christian College Fair at my school. since i'm on the college rep squad i will be meeting with the reps as they come in, showing them their stations, and counting attendance. woop-dee-doo.

song of the week: If My Heart Was a House by Owl City

BONUS SONG: Your Love is Extravagant by The Almost

9.22.2009

class notes.

i don't know who even reads this but i'm going to share this with you anyways. because this is the story of my life right now. it's hilarious. these are my notes from history in the raw. no editing or anything. enjoy.

APUSH
-i don't have my notes:
-Henry VIII is stupid
-Catherine of Aragon = first wife
-they are all related
-remember that time when Henry killed all of his wives? yeah, he's dumb.
- Catherine + Henry = Mary

[insert drawing of Austin with another girl and Sarah crying on the ground]

-plans for Memphis:
-Billie and Mike can chaperone, but not Lisa
-Graceland = too much $$
-civil war museum, maybe we'll go to rhodes
-meet at ihop that morning :]

Anne Boelyn = scandalous!
-Henry + Anne = Elizabeth

-it would really help if i had my notes today

homework:
-aplit ASP quiz tomorrow; vocab test monday
-apcal hw and quiz friday
-apush vocab and notes, test tuesday

PURITANS? dumb.
-why do people draw dead guys on kun hee's paper?
-Anne Boelyn locked in Tower of London
-Henry + Jane Seymour = Edward
-died in childbirth ^
-Henry + Anne of Cleaves = 0
-Edward became king at age 9. he was sickly
-how old was Tut?
-Ed died @ 15
-Mary is next

Rosemary = freaking scary. I'm so glad, so very glad i don't have her!! Buchanan = baller

bloody mary. not the cocktail.
[insert doodle of man burning on stake here]
the puritans were kind of the only sane people back then. everyone else was craycray.

TUDORS > STUARTS
-James 1603
-Charles 1625

Let's do this
-not all Purtians are Pilgrims
-DUTCH are stupid
-Amsterdam had many temptations
JOINT STOCK!

[sidenote: sarah LOVES austin's haircut]

HOLD IT!
[insert visual here]
got cha.

-alas. winter is coming. whatever shall you do. they were hardcore and wrote a compact. vote.
-we have 20 dang minutes! ah!
-thanksgiving because they are lucky to be alive.
-Meredith has a district of columbia quarter and we just made a birthday cake analogy. Rosemary gave Jack a boiled egg for his b-day.
-Aly has a boyfriend in college. that's why Trent spanked her.
-she got a stash!
-Walker wants to go out with Jack?
-"That was awkward."
-Massachusetts Bay Colony = pro for both sides

[sidenote: i am one of 2 people in the 13 person class not in some kind of relationship. BALLER]

-City on a Hill
-6 flags over Jesus?
-bacon?
-well this class just got really boring again.
-Lil Red just called Mrs. Griffin. but not really.

9.11.2009

the college post.

this is where i write to tell you all about the beginnings of my college search. i'll preface by saying that i have been set on going to OBU for about 3 years now... kay. so yesterday my best friend's mom was over, and we were all talking about colleges. so she and my mom came up with a list of colleges i could consider. that list is: Stanford, Rhodes, Vanderbilt, NYU, Pepperdine, Wash U, SMU, Princeton, Hendrix... plus a couple more. they decided that they wanted me to aim higher than OBU. which is understandable. i am fully capable of going to any of these schools. it's just a HUGE wake-up call, because i haven't ever actually thought of having to look at colleges a whole lot before now. it's also a wake up call for my attitude towards high school. i take AP classes, and i have at least a 4.0 but i really don't try my best. i just kind of do what i can to get by. i'm gonna have to step it up. haha. but for real. ummm there was something else i was going to say. oh yeahhh. if you noticed, besides Hendrix, the closest any of these schools are to LR is 2 hours. and quite a few of them would be over a 24 hour drive away. that's far. the thing is, being far from here doesn't seem to bother me. i would think it would... but it's exciting. going into something completely new would be so exhilerating to me. i'm ready for adventures. we are planning trips to visit.

let's do this.

song: The Unaviodable Battle of Feeling on the Outside. FM Static.

9.08.2009

jonas.

i got a really cute new button down yesterday. it's light blue and the cuffs/collar are white. i wore it today with a maroon cardigan and rolled up khakis and white vans. when i came downstairs my mom said "you look like a jonas today." i laughed. then realized she was completely serious.

but actually it was really funny. and i definitely told everyone that. because i was basically proud of that fact.

and i did look really cute. just saying.

that is my life right now. i'm so proud.

9.03.2009

limits.

i just sat here and did my homework for AP Calculus AB. (before proceeding to do AP US History and AP Lit homework). do you know how ridiculous this class is? very. i mean, i love math and all, but DANG. well anyway, i did my homework, which is over limits. (and of course every time i have to write "the limit does not exist" i think of mean girls. thank you lindsay lohan). anywho, uhh i wish i could say that my homework inspired some deep, thought-provoking idea. but alas, it did not. i just got really frustrated because i could figure out the answer, i just didn't know how i got it. this happens to me a lot... hmm. but yeah, i just thought i would let you know what's going on. nothing too much deeper than limits, the discovery of the New World, and MLA format. thank you and goodnight.

oh yeah, song for this post is: You Be the Anchor That Keeps My Feet on the Ground, I'll Be the Wings That Keep Your Heart in the Clouds by Mayday Parade

8.30.2009

selfishness.

"and it scares me to think that i would choose my life over you. and my selfish heart divides me from you, it tears us apart." - barlowgirl

if this doesn't describe me and convict me, then i don't know what does. my selfishness has been convicting me quite a bit lately...

on tuesday, i am leading/helping lead worship in chapel. this means i will be singing in front of 450 judgmental high school students. i know, i usually am one of those students. i am so scared. i really really want to do this, but the call from mr. faulk today made it reality. i realized that this time, i will be the one up on that stage being judged by almost every single student in my high school. they will be judging how i sing, what i'm wearing, my facial expressions, how they see me outside of chapel. it's going to be so intense and overwhelming. but i'm so excited.

i'll let you know how it goes.

8.25.2009

cliche, but this is untitled.

i feel the need to write and explain my last post. i don't want it to seem like i was complaining and whatnot. i was just a bit stressed out that day. and yeah. uhh. so sorry for the hectic post. ummm. i'm a lot better now.

we had our first chapel today, and it made me really excited about getting to take place in leading worship this year. i'm so ready to get in to that! also, a few of my friends started an accountability group and we met today at lunch to just talk about what was going on in our lives and such, and i just realized how good that group is going to be for me this year. it's going to be tough in the midst of all the homework, friends, parents and church stuff, but that will definitely help so much. i've realized how good it is to have people you can be confident will build you up. i don't surround myself with bad people, at all. it's just that some people are better together than others.

uhh there was something else... i don't remember right now...

oh yeah! i called the traffic court today. which made my ticket and court and probation all a little bit more real. which actually made me less stressed about it. now that i know exactly what's going to happen, it's better.

umm yeah, i'll probably end up writing more pretty soon. but for now i have like 80 math problems to do and a bunch of history to read and an anotated glossary to write. so i should probably get going.

p.s. i'm going to start a new thing. i'm going to post the name of a song that i really really love at the end of each post. if you are interested, you should listen to them... kay, so this time it's: Vision of You by Shane and Shane

8.23.2009

crazyyy.

so i just wrote this crazy long post... then decided it was not at all what i wanted to say. hmmm. basically i want to say is...

life is crazy.

this is a list of things that bombarded my mind today: paying for: traffic ticket, turkey day, junior ski trip, jterm... other: kallie, parents, friends, driving, homework, soccer, classes, art, chapel, college, careers.

all of these things i had some kind of dicussion with my parents about today. do you know crazy all of that was? very. phew.

that is all.

8.15.2009

everything under the sun.

have you ever realized that you've been holding on to something you shouldn't be. that just happened to me. i'm not real sure how else to explain it. but i think... that... these past few months i've been trying to grow in my relationship with the Lord. but haven't been able to beacuse of this thing. i didn't know why i wasn't getting anywhere. but i'm pretty positive i just figured it out. hmm. muy interesante. i'll let you know how this all plays out.

um recently i've been obsessed with two songs. these two songs are basically all i listen to, sing, play, etc. they are: "Be Near" by Shane and Shane and "You're Everything" by David Crowder Band. they both talk about the fullness of God and how His hand plays a very important role in our lives. something about these songs has just captivated me recently. it's incredible.

on a tad bit different note, it's about time for that annual beginning of school post. i usually write this differently but hey, since i kind of blog now, i'll try it out here... so here goes nothing: usually i like to make a list-ish thing of my goals and expectations for the year. and this year is no different. i just want to be able to keep up with it. so i'm posting it here. enjoy if you want.

um basically i realize that this year is going to be the toughest by far. i mean, it just keeps getting harder, doesn't it? yeah. but i'm not too worried. i'm just going to have to get more self-discipline in managing my time. i am also getting a job this year. will just add to the homework from 3 AP classes, pressure to meet Yearbook deadlines, and keeping up relationships with friends at school. which is another goal. having relationships with people at school. it's very easy for me to get caught up in surrounding myself with other camp friends, which is a very good thing, don't get me wrong. but it's also good to get close to people who you are around all the time. a few of my friends recently started an accountability group to meet and grow closer to each other and build each other up in our relationships with the Lord. this last thing i am so excited about. i'm thrilled to see everything that the Lord is going to do this year.

so all in all, i guess you could i'm excited about the year. i'm not too excited about classes and stuff, but i'm stoked about the experiences i will have! i have no doubt that this year is going to be amazing!

this was soooo long and i'm sorry. but if you stuck it out, i love you. thanks.

8.06.2009

even more.

wow. a whole lot has happened since i last posted something on here. i've been so busy with more camp, mission trip, summer reading, trying to hang out with friends... that i just haven't gotten on here. soo here it goes...

i guess i'll start with my last week of camp. umm i was in kitchen again, and it was really good. it was hard to stay humble because i had done it before... but it was also really good to not have to worry about not knowing what to do every single minute of the day. and just relax and have fun. so the my experiences as a whole at cmap just continued to get better and better. i got to talk to steven (for about 30 seconds this time! yesss. haha) about how things were going. it was good for me. but, now i am thinking about applying for all summer next year. i don't know if i will, yet, but it has been constantly on my mind, and right now all i can do is pray that God will help me in my decision.

well after camp i was in little rock for about 18 hours... then i left for mission trip. it was a very strange week for me. i had never been on a mission trip before and i had NO IDEA what to expect. it was very hot, and we were outside all day. i was on a painting crew, which basically meant i was stuck with a bunch of middle schoolers all week. and although, it would have been really cool to get to hang out with people my age for once, it was good for me to have to step up and be a leader outside of my comfort zone. it ended up being a really good week, and although it wasn't really the kind of serving i am most comfortable with, i had a good time.

the last thing is... being home. i am now home for the rest of the summer. my best friend moved to texas, and is coming home soon to go to school at UCA, but he is still gone right now. i made really good friends at camp, and the fact that they are the kind of friends i would like to have is dissappointing. i've never realized how different people at camp and people at home are. brookhill creates like a whole different world. i've come home from camp before and noticed that it was hard to get back in to the swing of things... but this time it was wayy worse. being gone for a total of 6 weeks this summer, it has been really hard to come back and just jump in to things. i'm making an effort to hang out with school friends... but it has been really really difficult.

i know this sounds like i'm whining and life sucks... but that's not at all what i'm trying to get across. i'm just trying to document what's going on... i don't know i'm just bored. but really, life is brilliant and i'm really excited about everything that's going on this school year. but this summer just went by so fast. it's crazy to think that camp is over and people are getting ready to go back to school. it really is insane. but God did incredible things through Brookhill this summer and yeahh. this year will be good. hard, but good. life is good.

i don't really know why i'm writing all of this... i guess just because i'm sitting at home bored for like the third day in a row. for realz. buttttt yeah. i think i'll go now because i'm sick of typing. okayyy. love you guys.

6.27.2009

a lot.

so my plans for brookhill were changed a bit. i was still in a cabin with girls. there were just 20 of them, instead of 13. and none that were very open. they were very hard to talk to which made it hard on me. i hardly connected with campers at all. the closest i came to feeling fully connected to the kids was on saturday night between the 2 sessions when gabi came to me, crying, and told me about some of the situations of her campers. the burdens were so great that for a while, i wondered what i was getting myself into. it was hard, and i was scared. but i was given a 2nd chance.

on saturday morning, there came an opening to work the next week. so immediately i jumped on that, of course. my plans changed again... but this time not something i was particularly happy about. steven said, "yes, i am going to use you, but in the kitchen." honestly, i was dissappointed... but i talked to steven and he told me how i could improve. so i took the week as an opppurtunity to work on my attitude. the first week, i was nervous, and too focused, and the joy that is in my heart had a hard time finding it's way out.

steven rebuked me about this, and i am so grateful that he did. halfway through the week, after another counselor told me that they saw my joy diminishing, i had a good long prayer time with God. (while laying in the middle of the parking lot waiting on the igloos to get full...) i didn't understand how in the world i wasn't showing joy. i felt joyful. i felt so blessed and happy to be doing what i was doing. but obviously something wasn't right. i don't think i have fully understood the power of prayer until now. and i know this wasn't a life threatening situation or anything, but it was important to me. immediately i felt something lifted from me. i'm not even sure what it was. but after that i was able to be the awesome, fun kitchen staff girl that i was supposed to be.

in a 10-second-long conversation on thursday night (while filling up igloos again) steven simply said good job, this is an improvement. that is all he needed to say to lift my spirits.

to make a long story short, somehow, i was able to reach many more kids the 2nd week than i was the first week. which is shocking. considering i wasn't with kids in a cabin, at mealtimes, or in 2 activities during the day. i had 2 activities (drama: yesss. and tennis: ahaha. that was hilarious). and canteen. that was really the only time i had to connect with campers. but obviously they saw something in me that drew them to me.

on saturday morning, campers have the oppurtunity to stand up and thank any counselor they has touched them during the week. my name was mentioned 3 times. which is 3 times more than the previous week. honestly, that made everything that had happened in the past 2 weeks so worth it. for a kitchen staff to get mentioned is cool, but 3 times. i was shocked. and i'm not saying this to glorify myself. not at all. i just realized how much God can do in such a short time. and seen how the power of prayer has been revealed in my life. and when the graduate in my drama acitvity maddie stood up and said, "... i also want to thank avery for making this a fantastic week." i'm not going to lie, i almost lost it. that meant so much more to me than a "thanks for the advice" or "thanks for praying with me." it showed me that she actually felt the joy of the Lord through me.

and now, as i sit here, crying, thinking over the past two weeks. again, i wonder what i've gotten myself into. but that's not a bad thing. i am curious as to what all i will be able to tap in to in the future at Brookhill. i am curious to find out what campers i will be able to minister to when i go back in a week. i am also curious to see what else the Lord will teach me.

thanks for your time.
i just needed to get that out there.

6.13.2009

update.

i just got a call from one of my really good friends, jarrod hockett, who is on all summer staff at brookhill. (his job is basically mine but he's there all summer). and anyway, he told me what activities and cabin i am in. so i can tweak my last post a bit. i will have 2 archery activities, a fun swim, and a drama. wooo. and i am in the t-bird cabin with katie darracq (i graduated from this cabin last year. she is wonderful). so i will have about 13 girls in my cabin, and i'm so excited! just thought i would let you know. wooo.

busy, busy, busy

well i just got back yesterday from Student Life camp in Georgia. it was incredible. i'm not going to go into details here, because well, i just don't feel like it. right now i am taking a break from packing and preparing for trip #3 of my summer: Brookhill week 2. i leave early monday morning for hot springs... i'm stoked!

for those of you who don't know what my job will consist of, i will enlighten you...

i will be a junior counselor in a cabin with anywhere from 12-20 3rd-9th grade girls. there will also be a senior counselor in my cabin, and there is the possibilty of there being another JC (if it's a larger cabin). i will also be a helper in 4 activities. these could be anything from archery to drama to fun swim to girls sports. other than those things, jc's are basically at camp to just help out. take out the trash, sweep, fill water balloons (i've heard this is torture), change wet beds, etc...

it's going to be a very rewarding but exhausting week. and i'm so excited!! ahhh.

5.28.2009

summer

well i heard this song for the first time this morning. and it is offically my summer song at the moment. the lyrics are simply genius. and so are the melodics. oh geez. just go listen to it please.

The Saltwater Room
Owl City

I opened my eyes last night
and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore,
staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old
and you were looking so cold
Like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently
Before you happened to look
And see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone,
I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home,
why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time

Can you believe that the crew has gone
And wouldn’t let me sign on?
All my islands have sunk in the deep,
So I can hardly relax or even oversleep
I feel as if I were home some nights
When we count all the ship lights
I guess I’ll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn off all of the lights
And set this ballroom aglow

mmm this song just feels like summer.

4.28.2009

garbage

remember that time i was reading a 121-page poem?
and i loved it?
and i wanted to share it with you?
but it was too long?

well here's the highlights.
enjoy.
hopefully as much as i did.

"...it just
goes to show you: moderation imposed is better

than no moderation at all: we tie into the
lives of those we love and our lives, then, go

as theirs go; their pain we can't shake off;
their choices, often harming to themselves,

pour through our agitated sleep, swirl up as
no-nos in our dreams..."

"garbage has to be the poem of our time because
garbage is spiritual, believable enough

to get our attention, getting in the way, piling
up, stinking, turning brooks brownish..."

"the new's an angle of emphasis on the old:
new religions are surfaces, beliefes the shadows

of images trying to construe what needs no
belief; only born die, and if something is

born on new, then that is not it, that is no
the it: the it is the indifference of all

differences, the nothingness of all the poised
somethigs, the finest issue of energy in which

boulders and dead stars float..."

"...because while the
prodigal stamps off and returns, the father goes

from iron directives that drove the son away
to rejoicing tears at his return: the safe

world of community, not safe, still needs
feelers send out to test the environment, to

to bring back news or no news; the cnetral
mover, the huge river, needs, too, to bend,

and the son sent away is doubtless welcomed home:
we deprive ourselves of, renounce, safety to seek

greater safety: but if we furnish a divine
sanction of theology to the disposition, we

must not think when the divine sanction shifts
that there is any alteration in the disposition..."

"...we

need nothing more, except the spelling out of
these for those inattentive or too busily lost

in the daily elaborations to prize the essential:
(1) don't complain -- ills are sufficiently

clear without reiterated description: (2) count
your blessing, spelling them over and over into

sharp contemplation: (3) do what you can --
take actionL (4) move on, keep the mind

allied with the figurations of ongoing..."

"...I've discovered
at sixty-three that the other thing I wished of

poetry, that it prevent death, has kept me a
little strange, that I have not got my feet out

of the embranglements of misapplication and out
into a clear space to go; that I have to start

again from a realization of failure: in fact,
having learned about commanding silence and

having, mostly by accident, commanded it a few
times, i've become afraid of convincingness..."

"it is the law of the jungle we have learned so
much from: but some would say the purpose of

living is to serve others or rule them, or to
write music, and some would say that being alive

is like being dead, but I would say that the
purpose though it might not always--or but

seldom--come through is still being alive..."

"even in the midst of passion plant the seed
whose vine or seed may hang you: things

not followed as risks are risky: being alive
means being alive to mischance's chances."

-garbage
A.R. Ammons

4.26.2009

i got nothing.

life is good.

3.18.2009

carry me through

lately, spiritually, my life has been dead. at a complete standstill. not going backwards but certainly not going forward... as a result of this I have felt distant... this song is incredible and exactly what I've needed to hear...

crawl (carry me through)
superchick

how long will this take?
how much can I go through?
my heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend but don't break
and somehow I'll get through
because I have you

and If I had to crawl, well you'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall. carry me through
the wonder of it all is you see me through

oh Lord where are you?
do not forget me here
I cry in silence,
can you not see my tears
when all have left me
and hope has disappeared
you find me here

when everything I was is lost,
I have forgot but you have not
when i am lost, you have not lost me

thanks for your time

3.02.2009

STOP!

my life has been non-stop lately. i feel as if there is no time for anything. with school, soccer, church, friends, the boyfriend... it's hectic! i don't know why am i telling you this... but i am. i think i just need to complain for a minute to get it out of my system. take last week for example. it was HELL. a really hard soccer game against greenbrier. terrible practices. 4 tests. 2 papers. 1 outline. 2 quizzes. aka terrible. and there was not one night that i was home before 8ish.

so going into school today... i was really tired. and quite frankly i was very much upset to be there. but it was so much better! i didn't do anything in my classes... i went to senor tequila and got to miss choir. soccer wasn't too bad (except for the shin splints... but i'm used to that). and i got to come home and cook dinner. usually i wouldn't be excited about that but it was great! (i cooked spinach tortellini soup... so yummy). and i didn't have any homework. so i just got to veg out on facebook and write this...

so i think that's all i needed to say. i think maybe i just wanted to give you an update on my life. this is it. i'm happy. life is good. the end.

2.12.2009

to be passionately in love.

"love is not proud, love does not boast, love after all matters most. love does not run, love does not hide, love does not keep locked inside. love is the river that flows through. love never fails you. love will sustain, love will provide, love will not cease at the the end of time. love will protect, love always hopes, love still believes when you don't. love is the arms that are holding you. love never fails you. when my heart won't make a sound. when i can't turn back around. when the sky is falling down. nothing is greater than this. greater than this. love is right here, love is alive, love is the way, the truth, the life. love is the river that flows through. love is the arms that are holding you. and love is the place you will fly to. love never fails you." -brandon heath.

"oh how He loves us" "how deep the Father's love for us" "I am eternally Yours" "You held on like a lover who couldn't let go of his bride" "I'm falling for You now" "my beautiful love" "don't you know that you are dearly loved" "i was made to love you" "That's what it takes to show you how much i love you" "Great is Your love and Your faithfulness" "A childlike love i had when we first began" "all i need is Your love" "I still love you beyond what words can say..."

for a while now, it seems like everywhere i go, everything i do, and in everything i hear the word LOVE is everywhere. especially referring to God's never ending love for us. i have also felt God's yearning for us to be madly and passionately in love with Him. it still seems as if something is quite fully there, though. and i can't quite figure it out... i am in the perfect position to be fully in love with God, and i am don't get me wrong, but i feel as if i'm not enough in love. as if i'm falling down on the job. i have a burning passion to be bale to feel this great love... and in ways, i do... but i also feel like there is so much more i could be doing. these past two days, the gears in my mind have just been turning non-stop. i've just been lost in my thoughts. and this actually has turned out to be the best thing for me. when i first realized that this theme of love was one that God was trying to get my attention with, i thought He was talking about loving others, but it turns out what He was trying to tell me is that my main priority right now should be to fall deeply in love with Him. My main love and passion should be for my creator: who loves me more than i could ever imagine.

[[this doesn't have a title yet...]]

i call your name, where are you?
the words you say, they aren't so true.
i heard your voice in the midst of the heartache.
up on this mountain, you seem so far away.

i love you so. child you are mine.
i hope you know, i gave up my life.
i want you to remember me
my precious love, eternity

[chorus]
you won't walk with faith so small
but when you stand, i will hold your hand
love of my life, lay down your pride
when you can't get through, i will carry you

look in the mirror what do you see?
do you even remember what you're like with me?
love of my life, don't forget this time
who you were when you were mine

[chorus]

i see you fall, i'll pick you up this time
it'll happen again, child please don't cry
when you're on your knees, remember this
i'll be here waiting with endless bliss

[chorus]

ahava.

2.03.2009

simplicity

so this is my second post in 24. very very uncharacteristic of me. but this is necessary. i just finished a conversation with a friend of mine. -- i wish there were a better word than friend or even "best friend." i mean i guess this person could be considered a mentor or accountability partner... but i feel like she's more like my sister -- anywho... she asked me to pray for her, she was stressed.

"I am having a really hard day -- I am hating everything in the world -plastic, concrete, col- eveything-- I hate that humans are so dumb and we make things important that have no eternal value at all - like mla, plaigerism, and college - I think it's partially because I am stressed but I do not see the point in all this stupidity."

she, a lot like me, would much rather be able to appreciate the simple things in life than have to deal with extras. she said she was so stressed and asked if that was normal... she felt like she was crazy. right when she said that, i realized that i do the exact same thing! i get too stressed because people make such a big deal out of small details that will never matter. EVER. sure, they will help me write papers in college, but past that, it doesn't matter how i express my point, as long as i get it across. we get so caught up in the stupid extras... and that makes me so frustrated sometimes! I know it's probably a little bit irrational but I really don't care right now. I just want to be able to enjoy what's going on without being so caught up in what people expect of me (especially when these things are really stupid). but aghhhhh. okay I think I should stop now before I get too carried away...

"I just want simple-simple plans, simple hopes, simple home, simple faith (because it is-not stupid add ins you know) simple peace, simple beauty in weather...simple."

2.02.2009

broken from the start

life is a gift like fresh cut roses. cut from the branch and brought inside. it's a slow contradiction. it's beauty in a vase. when the cords are cut that's when we start to die. lately death and life get so confusing. I can't tell the difference here tonight. lately every breath feels like I'm kissing death. and when time is dead we cease to be alive. if you hide yourself deep inside. deep inside. in time you've got nothing left to hide. there's nothing left inside. tonight honey, I'm gonna break your heart. mine was broken from the start. broken from the start. choice is the only thing we're given. for one to live another dies. one road says hello, the other says goodbye. and the road that you don't choose begins to die. they won't pay a cent to hear you laughing. they might pay a little to hear you cry. if you do it long enough, they might even pay attention. but they still won't pay respect until you die. if you hide yourself deep inside deep inside. in time you've got nothing left to hide. it's all dead inside. tonight honey I'm gonna break your heart. mine was broken from the start. broken from the start.

-jon foreman

basically I love this and wanted to share it. the bolder part is my absolute favorite. I love it a lot. the end.

1.07.2009

Raisins are Dead

this is for hannah. there was a point to this story. it's like there is a reoccurring metaphor or something... idk. just... enjoy i guess.

Sadie was walking through her favorite market in Florence. Allesia had already bought the groceries, but as usual, she forgot Sadie's raisins. Since this was normally the case, Sadie took her usual route through the narrow alleys to the end of the marketplace where she stopped at Fredrigo's.
"Good afternoon, Miss Sadie," Fredrigo said almost without an accent. This phrase had almost become a part of his daily routine. "How are you today?"
"I think I am okay."
"Buono. Miss Sadie."
"Mr. Fredrigo?"
"Hm?"
"Tell me something new, Fredrigo."
"Like what? What would you like to know?"
"I want to know something about you. Like, what you were like as a kid."
"Miss Sadie. I was very different than you are. I was very rebellious, very hot-headed, you might say."
"Oh. Your wife, Fredrigo. What was she like?"
"She was very much like you, Miss Sadie. Very quiet, calm. She copes the way that you do. I see a lot of her in you."
"Is this why you are so nice to me?"
"It could be. But also, I see something good in you, something special. It's like, the first time I saw you, I knew I would like you very much."
"Oh."
"Yes."
"So your grapes, is there a secret? You grow them yourself, right?"
"Yes, I do grow them. I have a small vineyard in my yard. It's almost a secret."
"I'd like to see. Can I come see sometime?"
"Sure, Miss Sadie, if that's what you want."
"It is, I would like that very much."
"Okay, then, it's set."
"Okay. You know what?"
"What is that?"
"I used to like grapes. But now I really don't too much. That's odd isn't it?"
"Yes, I guess it is rather odd. Considering how much you like these raisins."
"Yes, I'm not sure why I'm so prejudiced against them, but I guess I am."
"Why is a grape so bad in your perspective?"
"They're just so plump, and pretty, and just all around good."
"I guess I've never thought of it that way."
"Nobody ever has." Sadie turned and looked past the stand that sold bell peppers, olives, and tomatoes at the flowing brownish-bluish waters of the river. Couples in gondolas floated by, the glare of the sun on the water was hypnotizing. Fredrigo looked at her and smiled, drawing memories from the back of his mind.
"So why is it Sadie," she turned back around to look at him, "that I get the feeling that you are sick? And tired of all of this?" He pulled out a bundle of grapes and placed them on top of the counter.
"It's not so much that I'm sick of it, I'm just ready for it to be over and to go away for good. It's terrifying."
"Is it? It doesn't have to be."
Sadie looked at him. She didn't have to say any words; her eyes asked the question for her.
"You don't have to keep doing this. There are other places to go. You have the whole world at your fingertips."
"Oh, do I? It's not like I can just get on a plane and go back. Not that I would even if I could. And I can't just go anywhere else in the world. There are limitations you know."
He didn't need to say anything. She could argue with herself, and she would get it.
He was right. After about 15 minutes of Sadie pacing and glancing out over the river she came back to him.
"Well, where should I go?"
"Wherever you want. This is your life."
The bell rang in the old clock tower across town.
"Well would you look at that. It’s 4 o'clock already."
"Oh! I have to go! Bye, and thank you!"
He watched her run off. She stopped after about thirty feet, then ran back to him.
"Can I have a bundle of grapes?"
He handed the bundle that was on the counter to her with a smile and a nod before she ran off again.

Too Full to Eat - David Nasser

this is long, but it's so incredible. please read it.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Matt 5:6

"You and I are at the banquet table of God's presence and truth, but too often we are so full of junk that we're not hungry. In actuality, spiritually, we are starving to death. We have settled for garbage instead of feasting on the nourishment God richly provides.
Chris Heurtz is a young man who is the head of Word Made Flesh Ministries in India and all around Asia. This ministry provides shelters for homeless people, those with AIDS, and those inflicted with other diseases. Years ago when he was a college student, Chris went to Calcutta to work with Mother Teresa at the House of the Dying. Calcutta and Mexico City are the largest cities in the world, but Calcutta is the poorest. Most of the thirteen million people there are destitute. Air pollution is oppressive. Poverty and disease are the way of life -- and death -- for most people. Every morning city maintenance workers find bodies on the sidewalk and in the street of those who died during the night. At the House of the Dying, Chris's job was to look for dying people on the street and bring them in to give them a place to die with dignity. Their goal was not to cure these people. It was to give them a dignified place to die. Chris and his fellow workers lovingly cared for them, gave them a good meal, and shared the Gospel with them so they could die in peace.
In Calcutta, 70% of the homeless population have the lung disease of tuberculosis. When you walk down the street, you thousands of old men and women coughing up their lungs. Day after day, hour after hour. Chris's ministry was to find those who had only hours or days to live and invite them, "Come with me. I'll give you a place to lie down." Upon arrival, their heads were shaved, and they were given a shower and a bowl of hot food. Chris then replaced their ragged, soiled clothes with clean ones. There, these men and women say with other dying people who coughed their lungs out into a jar that was passed around. When it was full, the jar was thrown into the garbage with the soiled clothes and infested hair.
Lepers came in with their flesh rotting and their noses, fingers, and toes missing. Their clothes had the stink of rotted flesh. At the House of the Dying, Chris and the other ministers washed these lepers' skin and gave them clean clothes to wear. The job of one of the workers was to stick a syringe into their pus-filled sores and extract the poisonous disease. Each syringe was used for person after person and day after day until it was too dull to pierce skin. Then it was thrown into the garbage can.
Children infected with AIDS, usually girls about four or five years old, were brought to the House of the Dying. How did these little girls get AIDS? By a blood transfusion? No. The dominant faith in India is the Hindu religion. One sect of the Hindus believes their men can get rid of a sexually transmitted disease by sleeping with a virgin—that means a four or five year old child. Many children older than this are already prostitutes. Chris Heurtz brought these children from the streets, and he listen to their screams and weeping. Chris once said, "We prayed the crying wouldn't stop, because their crying meant they were still alive." Lepers, children with AIDS, men and women with terminal tuberculosis—those were the ones Chris and his partners at the House of the Dying looked for each day. That's a far cry from out neat and clean existence, isn't it? At first, the disease and death would gross anybody out, but after a while, Chris saw hurting people in desperate need, not ugly people who interrupted his life.
Chris said, "One thing I begged not to do was taking out the garbage. The stench was almost unbearable. Can you imagine the disease, ragged clothing, and half-eaten food? I begged them not to ask me to do it. It haunted me forever after the first time I took out the garbage. As soon as we walked out the back door toward the dump, children camp out of the alleys and ripped open the bags to get whatever was there. I yelled, 'Don't east this garbage! It's full of disease and death!' But they were so hungry that they ate garbage because that was all they could find. They had no other choice. I wept was I saw them scramble through the spilled jars of disease, the clothing stained with rotten flesh, and used syringes, trying to get scraps of last night's dinner that a dying person didn't eat." Disturbing image, isn't it?! But in all honesty, how far are we from this spiritually? Can you see yourself feasting at the dumpster of this world?
Many of us are like those kids scrambling for garbage. We elbow each other at the mall, at the theater, in the back seat, at home, at work, on the net, and at school in our hunger for food, but the food we lunge and fight for is rotten and diseased—and we eat it. We eat it every time we fill our minds and hearts with sexually suggestive movies or music, every time we live to get revenge on someone who has hurt us, and every time we sty to put things in God's place in our hearts. We are so full of this junk that we aren't hungry for the food that really satisfies and nourishes. Sure, we may listen to a message or a song about God, and that message has as much appeal as another bite of pizza then we are so full we're about to explode. Our souls are so full of garbage that we don't even recognize our need for God's food.
It is a spiritual paradox that when we are thirsty for God and we drink, he satisfies us and yet leaves us thirsting for him even more. When we are hungry for God and eat his nourishing word, we are refreshingly satisfied and yet we are hungry for much more. Augustine said, "You have made us for yourself, O God, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you." This is the same perspective that the prophet Jeremiah spoke: "When your words came, I hate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight. For I bear Your name, O Lord God Almighty." (Jeremiah 15:16). Eating requires intention, selection, and effort. We don't eat by being in the same room with food. We don't take in the grace and truth of God by being in a sanctuary or at a retreat. We have to take initiative to eat because we recognize our need for the spiritual nourishment it can provide. We also need to be very selective when sifting through the potions given to us by the world. Think of how many foods there are in the grocery store. You have lots of options! You have lots of options to eat spiritually, too—but remember, some of the foods you eat will poison you. It takes effort. Hear, read, study, memorize and meditate on the word of God.
Jeremiah had one other insight about "eating God's word." He realized that it only made sense for him to eat it because he bore God's name. We are God's. We call ourselves "Christians." We call him Lord, Savior, Father, and Friend. In many places in the Scriptures, we read that God provides a banquet for his people. God's banquet doesn't have flat Coke and leftover Spaghetti-O's! It has the finest, richest, most delicious spiritual food we can ever eat! When we eat it, we are filled with the love, peace, joy, and strength God richly provides. Nothing even compares!
So why are we so content to keep running out in the alley to rip open the garbage bags of this world to eat that poison? It just doesn't make sense."

-David Nasser

I know that was long, but it was SO GOOD. We read this today in the girls' discipleship j-term class. (I read outloud because no one else wanted to. I think if there was one reason God gave me a love for reading outloud, it was so I would get something out of this story.) well anyway, the fact that I read it instead of just listened to it made me realize a lot. It was not the most comfortable story to read. The story was so detailed that you knew it was true, and it made it easier to feel some of what these workers were experiencing. It made me just uncomfortable enough to stop and think about what he David Nasser (the author) was saying. Some of the garbage we fill ourselves with can be in relationships, possessions, or in our ambitions or goals. I'm not saying these things are bad for you, because they absolutely are not. It's just that a lot of times, we don't enter into these things with a strictly Godly mindset. If we don't use these things the right way (which might be ambiguous at times) they can poison us. The ambiguity of these things makes our pursuit difficult. It's sometimes difficult to enter with Godly intentions. The only thing that can keep us away from the garbage is God's word. During discussion we were asked to share a "time when God's truth and grace was a 'joy and a delight to your heart.'" It was cool to hear the different stories of when people experienced the truth of God's word in their lives. The devotion ended with Psalm 56:3-4 which says, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"