never in my life have i experienced a change of season this distinct.
camp. i could write a novel about this summer and what it meant to me. through learning how to love and serve, i learned a lot about myself that i would have never known.
a dear friend wrote me a letter at the end of the summer. in the letter she wrote "I saw a beautiful woman who was hiding, confused, nervous, timid, depressed, reserved. and i watched her be herself, grow, i watched her gain confidence, walk in joy, overcome insecurity, trust people, love people, understand and trust God." reading this and looking back now, i can't believe the place i was in 5 weeks ago. that has never been me. i have never dealt with insecurities that strong. i haven't felt depression in years. somehow in the middle of the best 9 weeks i could have ever asked for, i found myself in a strange, unfamiliar place. a place i honestly didn't know how to get out of. it took God breaking me down in the middle of worship during a Monday staff meeting. i had to be broken in order to let down the walls i didn't even know were there so He could come in.
i learned that i don't trust people--i don't let them in. i learned that i am easily swayed by insecurities. i learned that my flesh is super concerned with approval. BUT, i also learned how to trust God. i learned that everything in my life has happened for a specific purpose. i learned that man's approval does not matter--God approves of what i do. He sees everything i am doing and He is pleased... i didn't just hear these concepts. no. i LEARNED them. after several weeks of giving in to and listening to the lies the enemy was telling me to get me down, something FINALLY clicked.
God used the people around me to teach me trust. i never even knew i had a trust issue. i always wondered why i longed for deeper relationships with people but could never seem to attain them. God used someone close to me to call that out in my life and showed me what it could be like when i trust people.
i am not really sure what i could say to wrap up the summer. it was perfect. i could not have asked for a better two months. i was filled up and poured out more times than i can count, but it was ALWAYS worth it. the Lord's favor on my life was evident, and i am so blessed to have spent this summer as an AC.
but now, i am moving to Fayetteville. tomorrow. for the most part i couldn't be more excited. but, honestly, part of me is scared out of my mind. i know that God will give me the strength to live out everything i've said and taught this summer, but in my mind there will always be a "what if?" what if i mess up? what if i get lazy? what if? another part of me is nervous about trusting people in college. who can you trust? it would be so easy for me to not let anyone in. but i would be miserable.
i think i am just nervous because i am unsure. all of this is a mystery to me. as much as people try to prepare me for college, i won't know until i am there. tomorrow. it's crazy.
"...he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion..."
i will abide by this verse. the Lord started something HUGE in me. and while it is strange that this season is over. i know that his work will carry over into the next. as scary as it may be, the Lord will continue to work on my life in Fayetteville.
He is faithful.
and He is good.
