general Christmas:

i think i am plagued with the inability to sleep on Christmas Eve. it didn't even FEEL like Christmas Eve and it still took me like 2.5 hours to go to sleep. and i woke up at 5... geeeeeez. but anyways. then we did the general "kids come downstairs and we all open presents thing." and we were done by 7:30. wow. my big present was money (love it). and there were socks, scarves, hats, etc, to go along.

after all this i got dressed. we had two more Christmases (each set of Grandparents).

okay i know there was a reason i wrote all of this down for you... but right now i'm just not sure what it is.

so anyway. i leave for KC with Philip on Sunday. here's the guest list: Shelby Churchman, Kaitlyn Lassalle, Molly McGuirt, Joy Metz, Jessica Metz, Sara Lague, Philip Lee, Marcus Brinkman, Garrett Marcantel, and sombody named JC whom i do not know... i don't think you know how excited i am. so, because i love packing oh so very much (but, really, i do. i LOVEEEE it :]]]), i pulled out my large, green, North Face duffel today, piled stuff on top of it, and made a wal-mart list.

yeah this is all really boring. so i'm going to go start 17 Again and lounge in these really really really really really amazing new fleece pants from REI and shweeet snowflake knee socks.

deuces.

booksssss.

i really love to read. but during school i just seem to forget how much i love reading--probably due the lack of time and desire to read after my homework is finished.

i woke up today with the incredible urge to go to the library. so i did. and i came home with four books (a bit ambitious for the break, i know). the books are incredibly varied, and i'm really excited about all of them...

1. someday this pain will be useful to you by Peter Cameron [this is kind of a teen angst novel, but not. it's high-level (uses bigger and more complicated words and sentences than most books found in the Young Adult fiction) and has been compared to Catcher in the Rye. so far, it's great]

2. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe [this is a classic. i could have read it for extra credit this semester but did not get the chance to. i still wanted to read it though, so i got it... call me a nerd.]

3. Viola in Reel Life by Adriana Trigiani [every series of books needs an easy-read teen novel. it's about a girl who has to move from NYC to a boarding school in Indiana. "I saw a full moon over a pristine lake, and I met a boy and I didn't panic, and he kissed me three times, and I laughed and I had fun and I danced. In Indiana!" precious, no? yes.]

4. garbage by A.R. Ammons [this is a poem (a 120-page-long poem) that i have started reading before but never got around to finishing. i really love it, though. and i do want to finish it.]


i must be crazy to want to read all these over my four-week break from school...

ha. ha.

currently listening to: Regina Spektor radio (yes, still). favorite songs from today "True Affections" by The Blow an "Folding Chair" by Regina Spektor.

okay i'm pretty sure this blog is my favorite means of procrastination...

i took an english exam earlier today. my teacher told us "this easy exam is a reward for all of your hard work this semester." so ptl for that, right? right. ummm i also got my PSAT score back today: it dropped one point. earlier this year, my mom said she would give me $100 if i brought it up. which is very uncharacteristic, but hey, i wasn't complaining... but it dropped. blahhh. haha. oh well. my ACT will get me scholarships.

finally, finals. i have my two hard finals tomorrow. i've been studying basically since like 2. i'm dyinggg. i've never studied this much. ever before in my life. ever.

okay i just needed a break. i'm going to start working again. see you guyses lata.

Regina Spektor

you know those posts that are short and really aren't that interesting? this is one of those posts...

i've been almost obsessed with Regina Spektor radio on Pandora. Regina Spektor, the Beatles, Feist, Ingrid Michaelson, Kate Nash, Coldplay... i'm convinced this is what is getting me through finals week (and online traffic school, ew).

on my lips

i'm not a songwriter. i've written one before it was bogus. but i really needed to give it a shot tonight. i don't know why. i just felt that urge...

on my lips

sometimes i feel i'm falling
but i know you'll catch me
sometimes i feel like crawling
you always bring me to my feet
sometimes i feel like crying
and you're always there
sometimes i feel i'm dying
but i know you care

i need you now
yes, i need you now

on my own, i am nothing
i need you to mold me
all i know is you are something
completely pure and holy
when i feel so far away
i know that you will hear me
when i can't find the words to say
you are still near me

i need you now,
yes i need you now

come save me, come free me
from affliction's grip
when i'm drowning in the ocean
your name is on my lips

and i need you
and i need you
and i need you now


E A2 C#m7 B
C#m7 A E B

no no no.

i am incredibly frustrated right now. because i just spent at least two hours gathering information and typing an introduction to the final essay in my HOD project only to have microsoft word crash, causing me to lose it all. i really am just ready to get this over with. today marked the one-month anniversary of the beginning of the project. i'm over it, to say the least.

kay. back to writing.

"for You alone are worthy, for You alone are worthy, for You alone are worthy Christ the Lord..."

tonight, in an acoustic, coffee-house setting i was left alone in my thoughts. we sang those words over and over. the beauty of dozens of teenagers taking a break from studies and whatever else is going on in their lives to worship our Savior amazes me. but that song isn't what got to me... we sang "Be Near" by Shane and Shane. i almost lost it. you know those songs that make you cry every time you hear them? yeah, Be Near is that song for me. i don't even really know what was going through my head, other than the simple thoughts of God's incredible love for us--something i often take for granted. i really don't know why i'm telling you this, or even where it is going, but i guess i feel like i just needed to vent a little bit. i really don't even know.

i figured out that link thing...

literally thirty seconds ago i found a video of Phil Wickham singing one of my favorite songs ever. because my computer messed up and i could not copy his new album "Heaven and Earth" and i really wanted to listen to Cielo so i was just searching youtube. well anyway i thought i'd share that with you.

but this post is REALLY to share this song (Cielo).
so here are the lyrics:

I'm walking through the bright white gates
Breathing in and out your grace
All around me melodies rise
That echo with the joy inside
So I start to sing
But I can't sing loud enough
I can't sing loud enough
When I'm singing for You my God
I can't sing loud enough
I can't sing loud enough
When I'm singing for You my God

With a thunder roll and a brilliant light
Your glory boasts and the heavens shine
The saints and angels stand in awe
Captured by the beauty of it all
So I fall to my knees
But I can't bow low enough
I can't bow low enough
At the vision of You my God
I can't bow low enough
I can't bow low enough
At the vision of You my God

I can't hold it all inside
I'm reaching for the One who brought me out of death and into life
But I can't lift my hands high enough
Life my hands high enough
When I'm reaching for You my God
I can't lift my hands high enough
Life my hands high enough
When I'm reaching for You my God

Oh I'm reaching for You my God
I'm reaching for You
I'm reaching for You
I'm reaching for You my God


actually my second reason is similar to the first. just a different song:
Be Near Me by Bethany Dillon**
I follow all the rules
Well, at least I'm trying
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased

I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart was so bad
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had

And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline

I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

I'm just like everyone else
We are all hiding
Acting like I have a wealth
Of knowledge and peace

But all I've ever wanted
And what men have given their lives for
Is a God who understands my weaknesses
A God that I can love

I believe you are good and righteous
You've given me your reckless love
So be near, be near...



there's really not much to say to go along with this. it's just super great. that is all. this is long, but it's just songs... so maybe it's not really that long... oh well.
**terrible quality. this was the only one online i could find...

prejudice scale.

this is probably my best essay thus far. but i'm just going to post these next three together and quickly so that you don't have to read this. i'm only posting them to keep me sane.


prejudice in thoughts…
Prejudice takes its root in the mind of men. Every evil word and action begins with a thought. Like a match being lit, prejudice in thoughts is the beginning of a greater evil.

prejudice in words…
Taking thoughts one step further produces evil words on which even greater prejudices are based. A small fire, not yet capable of destroying homes, resources, or hope can still take root and become something even greater, even more destructive.

prejudice in actions…
Taking hatred and anger out through actions reinforced prejudiced words. Actions are destructive physically and mentally. As a fire grows, it strengthens, becoming capable of destroying even entire cities or civilizations.

prejudice in lifestyle…
Prejudice can take over a man’s life, causing everything in his path to be destroyed. Nothing good can come from evil thoughts, words, or actions, therefore leaving nothing but destruction in the aftermath of prejudice. *

1. Thought:
“A few days later I arrived in a city that always makes me think of a whited sepulchre” (62).
“Their minds are of the stay-at-home order, and their home is always with them… there is nothing mysterious to a seaman unless it be the sea itself, which is the mistress of his existence and as inscrutable as Destiny” (56).
With every evil thought, man strikes a match. Prejudice begins in the mind of every man, woman, and child. Sheer ignorance and selfishness lay the foundations for thoughts of prejudice. Blindness and apathy are building blocks, pushing growth of prejudice far beyond intended. Marlow shows readers just how destructive thoughts are. As readers follow his train of thoughts, listening to every memory of his journey through the African wilderness they realize Marlow’s ability to produced prejudiced thoughts. Every character in Heart of Darkness shows signs of some level of prejudice, although most of it is kept inside their minds. Mankind has become calloused to evil thoughts, and our minds are sodden with prejudice and hate.

2. Words:
“He began with the argument that we whites, from the point of development we had arrived at, ‘must necessarily appear to them [savages] in the nature of supernatural beings—we approach them with the might as of deity… By the simple exercise of our will we can exert a power for good practically unbounded,’ etc., etc” (117).
Marlow, when reading Kurtz’s report, sees prejudice put in to words. When thoughts become words, they seem to take physical form outside of the mind of mankind. Rather than being appalled and taking action against prejudice, man tends to either turn the other cheek or, in some cases, agree. Evil or demeaning words spoken at or about a person have the ability to take effect immediately. When thoughts become words, they take shape, bringing pain to everyone who hears them. Marlow’s negative thoughts towards the African natives are reinforced by Kurtz’s words. Marlow brings his prejudiced thoughts to the Congo and it is easy to see everyone there shares his ideas on the authority and understood power of the white men. Before hateful words were uttered, the prejudiced thoughts were left untouched, lingering in the back of pilgrim’s minds.


3. Actions:
“Therefore he whacked the old nigger mercilessly, while a big crowd of his people watched him, thunderstruck…” (61).
“A nigger was being beaten near by. They said he had caused the fire in some way; be that as it may, he was screeching most horribly” (81).
Actions stretch farther, cut deeper than words. After becoming calloused to words spoken, prejudice begins to take over people, controlling even their actions. The fire at the Central Station was obviously not caused by the African native who was beaten, but the pilgrims’ pride was so overwhelming they took out their anger on an innocent human. To the white men in the Congo, mistreatment of the Natives came naturally. There was no second thought about abusing the workers in the stations. The pilgrims were greedy. All they wanted was to get rich. Their every effort went toward finding and harvesting ivory. They would stop at nothing to get what they wanted. Not even the “stupid” Savages could get in their way.


4. Lifestyle:
“They passed me within six inches, without a glance, with that complete, deathlike indifference of unhappy savages. Behind this raw matter one of the reclaimes, the product of the new forces at work, strolled despondently, carrying a rifle by its middle… seeing a white man on the path, [he] hoisted his weapon to his shoulder with alacrity. This was simple prudence, white men being so much alike at a distance that he could not tell who I might be. He was speedily reassured, and with a large, white, rascally grin, and a glance at this charge, seemed to take me into partnership in his exalted trust. After all, I also was a part of the great cause of these high and just proceedings” (70).
The white man on the path, upon seeing Marlow, stiffened his posture and looked more attentive. Why? Because Marlow was white. There was no reason other than Marlow’s skin color. He did not even know who Marlow was. Every action in the Congo was centered around the mistreatment of and prejudice toward the dark-skinned natives. To the pilgrims, it was first instinct to give more respect to the other white men, and none to the savages. The pilgrims’ entire lives had been changed by their experiences in the African jungle. Before, they may have simply been naïve, foolish men who did not notice the evil around them, but after spending time in the selfish air of the Congo, they themselves were producing evil. They were the very basis of prejudice in Africa. Greed, blindness, ignorance, and selfishness all continue to grow and increase the growth of hatred toward the natives.


*insert pictures: thoughts/match, words/small fire, actions/destructive fire, lifestyle/ruins