chaos

so i am sitting here, NOT writing my worldview paper, NOT spending time with my family, and NOT reading the book i was supposed to have finished by now. i feel very... for lack of a better word... lazy. i am sort of working on my paper, just taking breaks to do other things such as this. i am sort of with my family, our house is really one big room. the computer and kitchen and living room are all together. and i am not really reading the book, i have been trying to get to chapter 7 for about a month now... i'm on chapter 6. there is no excuse for that, i know. there is one aspect of my life that i am ahead in. that is college. i know, i know... college searching? as a sophomore? yeah, it's UNHEARDOF. well when i was in rogers with my mom for a work conference, there was a college fair at the hotel, so of course, we went. and i have been set on OBU for a while now. and i still really really love it. but there is this school, William Jewell College... i got an email from them today (they have an admissions counselor that specifically works with high school sophomores). well the school is almost the same as OBU, except it's secular (and in Missouri). and as i read the email, i was caught very off guard, that all of a sudden i am getting emails and brochures from all these colleges, and taking the PSAT (i know it didn't count for anything that time, but it was still intense), and answering all these questions from friends and family about the next 7 or 8 years of my life. the funny thing is, i'm not scared. i know what i want in a college, i know, more or less, what i want to pursue a career in. i know all of those things. but what i don't know is what i'm doing right now. i feel like i'm doing nothing. yes, i am going to school, i do all of my homework, make A's on my tests (most of them) and things like that. but i feel like i'm not doing anything. neither of my best friends live here. one lives close, but it's not close enough. and i feel like since i have them, that my friends here are just no comparison. i'm so close and so similar to those friends, that the people i am around all of the time are just distant to me. i don't like that. why am i telling you this? i'm not sure. i'm not even sure i want to hear this, which i guess is why i'm writing this... but to wrap things up, things are very scattered in my life right now, which i'm sure came out in this post and i'm just trying to get through to the next day without things being too chaotic...