even more.

wow. a whole lot has happened since i last posted something on here. i've been so busy with more camp, mission trip, summer reading, trying to hang out with friends... that i just haven't gotten on here. soo here it goes...

i guess i'll start with my last week of camp. umm i was in kitchen again, and it was really good. it was hard to stay humble because i had done it before... but it was also really good to not have to worry about not knowing what to do every single minute of the day. and just relax and have fun. so the my experiences as a whole at cmap just continued to get better and better. i got to talk to steven (for about 30 seconds this time! yesss. haha) about how things were going. it was good for me. but, now i am thinking about applying for all summer next year. i don't know if i will, yet, but it has been constantly on my mind, and right now all i can do is pray that God will help me in my decision.

well after camp i was in little rock for about 18 hours... then i left for mission trip. it was a very strange week for me. i had never been on a mission trip before and i had NO IDEA what to expect. it was very hot, and we were outside all day. i was on a painting crew, which basically meant i was stuck with a bunch of middle schoolers all week. and although, it would have been really cool to get to hang out with people my age for once, it was good for me to have to step up and be a leader outside of my comfort zone. it ended up being a really good week, and although it wasn't really the kind of serving i am most comfortable with, i had a good time.

the last thing is... being home. i am now home for the rest of the summer. my best friend moved to texas, and is coming home soon to go to school at UCA, but he is still gone right now. i made really good friends at camp, and the fact that they are the kind of friends i would like to have is dissappointing. i've never realized how different people at camp and people at home are. brookhill creates like a whole different world. i've come home from camp before and noticed that it was hard to get back in to the swing of things... but this time it was wayy worse. being gone for a total of 6 weeks this summer, it has been really hard to come back and just jump in to things. i'm making an effort to hang out with school friends... but it has been really really difficult.

i know this sounds like i'm whining and life sucks... but that's not at all what i'm trying to get across. i'm just trying to document what's going on... i don't know i'm just bored. but really, life is brilliant and i'm really excited about everything that's going on this school year. but this summer just went by so fast. it's crazy to think that camp is over and people are getting ready to go back to school. it really is insane. but God did incredible things through Brookhill this summer and yeahh. this year will be good. hard, but good. life is good.

i don't really know why i'm writing all of this... i guess just because i'm sitting at home bored for like the third day in a row. for realz. buttttt yeah. i think i'll go now because i'm sick of typing. okayyy. love you guys.

a lot.

so my plans for brookhill were changed a bit. i was still in a cabin with girls. there were just 20 of them, instead of 13. and none that were very open. they were very hard to talk to which made it hard on me. i hardly connected with campers at all. the closest i came to feeling fully connected to the kids was on saturday night between the 2 sessions when gabi came to me, crying, and told me about some of the situations of her campers. the burdens were so great that for a while, i wondered what i was getting myself into. it was hard, and i was scared. but i was given a 2nd chance.

on saturday morning, there came an opening to work the next week. so immediately i jumped on that, of course. my plans changed again... but this time not something i was particularly happy about. steven said, "yes, i am going to use you, but in the kitchen." honestly, i was dissappointed... but i talked to steven and he told me how i could improve. so i took the week as an opppurtunity to work on my attitude. the first week, i was nervous, and too focused, and the joy that is in my heart had a hard time finding it's way out.

steven rebuked me about this, and i am so grateful that he did. halfway through the week, after another counselor told me that they saw my joy diminishing, i had a good long prayer time with God. (while laying in the middle of the parking lot waiting on the igloos to get full...) i didn't understand how in the world i wasn't showing joy. i felt joyful. i felt so blessed and happy to be doing what i was doing. but obviously something wasn't right. i don't think i have fully understood the power of prayer until now. and i know this wasn't a life threatening situation or anything, but it was important to me. immediately i felt something lifted from me. i'm not even sure what it was. but after that i was able to be the awesome, fun kitchen staff girl that i was supposed to be.

in a 10-second-long conversation on thursday night (while filling up igloos again) steven simply said good job, this is an improvement. that is all he needed to say to lift my spirits.

to make a long story short, somehow, i was able to reach many more kids the 2nd week than i was the first week. which is shocking. considering i wasn't with kids in a cabin, at mealtimes, or in 2 activities during the day. i had 2 activities (drama: yesss. and tennis: ahaha. that was hilarious). and canteen. that was really the only time i had to connect with campers. but obviously they saw something in me that drew them to me.

on saturday morning, campers have the oppurtunity to stand up and thank any counselor they has touched them during the week. my name was mentioned 3 times. which is 3 times more than the previous week. honestly, that made everything that had happened in the past 2 weeks so worth it. for a kitchen staff to get mentioned is cool, but 3 times. i was shocked. and i'm not saying this to glorify myself. not at all. i just realized how much God can do in such a short time. and seen how the power of prayer has been revealed in my life. and when the graduate in my drama acitvity maddie stood up and said, "... i also want to thank avery for making this a fantastic week." i'm not going to lie, i almost lost it. that meant so much more to me than a "thanks for the advice" or "thanks for praying with me." it showed me that she actually felt the joy of the Lord through me.

and now, as i sit here, crying, thinking over the past two weeks. again, i wonder what i've gotten myself into. but that's not a bad thing. i am curious as to what all i will be able to tap in to in the future at Brookhill. i am curious to find out what campers i will be able to minister to when i go back in a week. i am also curious to see what else the Lord will teach me.

thanks for your time.
i just needed to get that out there.

update.

i just got a call from one of my really good friends, jarrod hockett, who is on all summer staff at brookhill. (his job is basically mine but he's there all summer). and anyway, he told me what activities and cabin i am in. so i can tweak my last post a bit. i will have 2 archery activities, a fun swim, and a drama. wooo. and i am in the t-bird cabin with katie darracq (i graduated from this cabin last year. she is wonderful). so i will have about 13 girls in my cabin, and i'm so excited! just thought i would let you know. wooo.

busy, busy, busy

well i just got back yesterday from Student Life camp in Georgia. it was incredible. i'm not going to go into details here, because well, i just don't feel like it. right now i am taking a break from packing and preparing for trip #3 of my summer: Brookhill week 2. i leave early monday morning for hot springs... i'm stoked!

for those of you who don't know what my job will consist of, i will enlighten you...

i will be a junior counselor in a cabin with anywhere from 12-20 3rd-9th grade girls. there will also be a senior counselor in my cabin, and there is the possibilty of there being another JC (if it's a larger cabin). i will also be a helper in 4 activities. these could be anything from archery to drama to fun swim to girls sports. other than those things, jc's are basically at camp to just help out. take out the trash, sweep, fill water balloons (i've heard this is torture), change wet beds, etc...

it's going to be a very rewarding but exhausting week. and i'm so excited!! ahhh.

summer

well i heard this song for the first time this morning. and it is offically my summer song at the moment. the lyrics are simply genius. and so are the melodics. oh geez. just go listen to it please.

The Saltwater Room
Owl City

I opened my eyes last night
and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore,
staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old
and you were looking so cold
Like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently
Before you happened to look
And see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone,
I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home,
why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time

Can you believe that the crew has gone
And wouldn’t let me sign on?
All my islands have sunk in the deep,
So I can hardly relax or even oversleep
I feel as if I were home some nights
When we count all the ship lights
I guess I’ll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn off all of the lights
And set this ballroom aglow




mmm this song just feels like summer.

garbage

remember that time i was reading a 121-page poem?
and i loved it?
and i wanted to share it with you?
but it was too long?

well here's the highlights.
enjoy.
hopefully as much as i did.


"...it just
goes to show you: moderation imposed is better

than no moderation at all: we tie into the
lives of those we love and our lives, then, go

as theirs go; their pain we can't shake off;
their choices, often harming to themselves,

pour through our agitated sleep, swirl up as
no-nos in our dreams..."


"garbage has to be the poem of our time because
garbage is spiritual, believable enough

to get our attention, getting in the way, piling
up, stinking, turning brooks brownish..."


"the new's an angle of emphasis on the old:
new religions are surfaces, beliefes the shadows

of images trying to construe what needs no
belief; only born die, and if something is

born on new, then that is not it, that is no
the it: the it is the indifference of all

differences, the nothingness of all the poised
somethigs, the finest issue of energy in which

boulders and dead stars float..."


"...because while the
prodigal stamps off and returns, the father goes

from iron directives that drove the son away
to rejoicing tears at his return: the safe

world of community, not safe, still needs
feelers send out to test the environment, to

to bring back news or no news; the cnetral
mover, the huge river, needs, too, to bend,

and the son sent away is doubtless welcomed home:
we deprive ourselves of, renounce, safety to seek

greater safety: but if we furnish a divine
sanction of theology to the disposition, we

must not think when the divine sanction shifts
that there is any alteration in the disposition..."


"...we

need nothing more, except the spelling out of
these for those inattentive or too busily lost

in the daily elaborations to prize the essential:
(1) don't complain -- ills are sufficiently

clear without reiterated description: (2) count
your blessing, spelling them over and over into

sharp contemplation: (3) do what you can --
take actionL (4) move on, keep the mind

allied with the figurations of ongoing..."


"...I've discovered
at sixty-three that the other thing I wished of

poetry, that it prevent death, has kept me a
little strange, that I have not got my feet out

of the embranglements of misapplication and out
into a clear space to go; that I have to start

again from a realization of failure: in fact,
having learned about commanding silence and

having, mostly by accident, commanded it a few
times, i've become afraid of convincingness..."


"it is the law of the jungle we have learned so
much from: but some would say the purpose of

living is to serve others or rule them, or to
write music, and some would say that being alive

is like being dead, but I would say that the
purpose though it might not always--or but

seldom--come through is still being alive..."


"even in the midst of passion plant the seed
whose vine or seed may hang you: things

not followed as risks are risky: being alive
means being alive to mischance's chances."


-garbage
A.R. Ammons

i got nothing.

life is good.