oops.

i should have prioritized better last night.

we played PA. [and lost]. when i got home, i had to check the Belmont/Lipscomb score. [Belmont lost, too]. i took a shower. around 10:15 i started my homework. i normally like to have it done and be in bed by then. not the case. but anyway, i started with a "demonology"article and response because i figured it would not take very long. false. it was really interesting and i had strong opinions about what the author was saying... so much for a quick read. but then i had calculus. and i should have done it considering i have a HUGE test today [in 30 minutes... oh no!]. but alas, i did not. i went to sleep. and now i'm freaking out because i know what on earth is going on...

not to mention i am in yearbook and i have 5 spreads due on monday. awesome.

as of late.

"i am the rose, the joy for which You died. and this i know, i move You with delight"

i am in awe of the love that Christ has for us. lately, this love has implanted itself in my brain. i can't stop thinking of the passion and ardor that Jesus has.

"i am my Beloved's and He is mine. so come into Your garden and take delight in me." "He's faithful to the end, He's faithful to my heart, He's faithful to the end, He will come and marry me." "always, You have loved me. ever thinking of me." "...with fire in His eyes, He's jealous for His bride." "there's gonna be a wedding. it's the reason that i'm living. to marry the lamb." "everything You do just screams 'i love you.' what am i that You would love me like you do? who am i that You should care? what is man?"

these are just a few of the lyrics from songs that have been constantly in my head. lately my eyes have been opened to the... well just the passion that Jesus has for His bride, and the desire in His heart for us to share that passion. i'm sorry. i am completely at a loss for words. even through every single one of our faults and our sins, Christ's love never fades. He will always desire for us to be with Him for eternity. there is nothing we can do that will take that away. many times it is hard to walk with Him. i'm not talking about major sins like... i don't know... "bad things." i'm talking about living out the passion that is in our hearts. we so easily get distracted by EVERYTHING around us. i speak for myself as much as, if not more than, everyone else.

but even beyond His love, there is so much more to our relationships with Christ. experiencing His presence, seeing the world through His eyes, seeing the beauty of His grace. ah!

Jesus is just so beautiful! and i've only just caught a glimpse of everything He is capable of. if you read this, you can tell that it is hard for me to express in words what my thoughts are. i just know that, even though going back to school is going to be very difficult (the first day was already hard), i am always going to have something to fall back on. i am going to need the Lord's supernatural strength to stand up and be the torch that i am supposed to be.

i just have so many mixed emotions right now. love, fear, passion, weariness, excitement. ah. i just don't even know what is going on. all i know is i have a really really good feeling about this semester. :] Jesus is so good!


thank you for sticking it out. this isn't where i was trying to go. and really, i didn't go anywhere. so yeah. i just needing to get that out.

p.s. sidenote: Psalm 18? so incredible! i am captivated and just so thankful for everything the Lord has done for us. also, Cory Asbury's song version of it is supagreat.

and the search continues...

most of you probably, at some point or another, heard me explain my j-term project. if you did not, rejoice! because it is not very interesting. but anywho--a brief synopsis: i researched careers and college majors the first week. i "shadowed" 6 different people in VERY different jobs ranging from home-infusion pharmacy to public relations. at the end of the second week, i visited three colleges.

i just got home from these visits (to Rhodes, Vanderbilt, and Belmont) and i'm going to jot down a few things before i forget.

Rhodes: super great! i loved it so much. one downside is that it is a very liberal school, and i mean, it wouldn't be too difficult to find good, Christian people to surround myself with, but it would definitely be more difficult than other places. i could study really anything i wanted to but the majors are very general. but nevertheless, it is definitely still in the running. i love that it is small, liberal arts, and GORGEOUS! okay yeah. moving on. [one highlight: there was a really attractive boy being recruited for football who wanted to be a theatre major. ;) yes?]

Vanderbilt: i don't have much to say on this school. i just flat out didn't like it. the campus as too spread out, and it definitely had the feel of a bigger school, which i just don't care for. the people also just weren't very nice. they were all just a bit too snobby for me. [highlight: most interesting fact: there is a 3:1 squirrel-to-student ratio]

Belmont: where do i even start? it is the small school i am looking for, and it's Christian, which i had kind of thought i didn't really want, but after looking in to it, that's looking good. there were also PLENTY of options of programs of study. also, it's in NASHVILLE! who doesn't like nashville? it's so fun. and there is music everywhere! even though i am not interested in majoring in music or anything, but it still would be so fun to be around that all the time. and the school just has the small community, nice people feel that i like. [one highlight: there is a cafe called Bongo Java right across the street. sightings at this cafe: Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman, James Marsen, Alison Krauss, etc. the list went on and on]

i am by no means at a decision, and frankly, i don't have to be that close to a decision at this point in time. but it is very nice to be closer to a decision and to have seen a few very different options.

p.s. also, as part of the jterm stuff, i'm possibly looking into stuying business admin. not accounting. but even like political science or something along those lines. so we'll see.

ohhh love.

currently listening to: IHOPU awakening service--geeez. i LOVE listening to these and to the prayer room. they are just so anointed and relaxing. man.



so anyways, here's what's going down. lately i've been feeling really encouraged. and it's so incredible. i mean, since the conference it's literally like i'm a different person. i mean, i know you hear about "life-changing experiences" all the time, but this really was one of those times. it was definitely the most important thing that has ever happened to me.



tonight, Brandon said something along the lines of "there are some of you out there who think you are believers, but you aren't." that really struck me. every other time i've ever heard that, especially the past year or so, i've thought "okay, yeah that's me." but i don't ever do anything about it... well this time, i didn't have that feeling. i felt like i was one step ahead of where i normally am. and it just feels really great. i mean, i'm not completely perfect by any means. but i just feel better than i have in a looooong time. possibly ever. and i love it.

Jesus is so good and i love Him. the end.

so here's the deal...

okay well i said that i wasn't going to write about this... but i just sent this email to my youth pastor and i think i did a pretty good job of summing up most of the things i wanted to say. so i'm just going to post it here. (making changes where necessary).

"okay so the past few months i've felt like something was missing in my relationship with Christ. i knew there was something else, and i knew that i was not where i could have and should have been in my faith. but i had no earthly idea what was missing. i had even begun to doubt Christianity in some instances. but this past week i attended the onething conference with IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City... maybe you've heard of it? but anyway. God used my questions to prepare me for all of the truth i was exposed to at the conference. ah. there was just so much that, growing up in the Baptist church, i had never heard before... but that is all beside my point.

the theme of the conference was centered around the need for revival in our generation and Christ's undying, passionate love for mankind (two very different yet completely related topics) and it was so... ahh... i don't even have the words to describe the emotions i was feeling... but the speakers all really challenged the youth to realize the battle at hand and invite the Holy Spirit to come and prepare us. but they also stressed that we had to love God with our very being, that our essence should be centered around loving God, and that with that will come obedience. but we have to realize that we can only love God because He loves us. we are His beloved children and He delights in us. that is a message that is so hard to get across to our generation, but it is ESSENTIAL to understand. that even through our faults (i had struggled with an addiction to pornography on and off since like 6th grade) He loves us. there is NOTHING we can do that would cause Him to let go of his grip on us.

so all this goes to say. your message was so good [it was about being who we are called to be. and stepping out where we are supposed to step out]. it was an incredible follow up to the whole week. realizing who we are in Christ is so important in our roles as warriors and leaders in our generation. and i am so excited about this semester. i was a little fearful coming back because i didn't know how i was going to keep my "camp high" up. but i am confident that the red letter series [pretty self-expanatory: we are beginning a series on the radical words of Christ] is going to be anointed. and i realize that the Holy Spirit is coming to equip us for the crisis at hand. "



so yeah. that basically hits the high points. there was sooo much else. but it was not necessary to this email... yeah. enjoy. love you guys.

i'll share

these pictures describe the week...

we were basically like this all week. Joyana Camille is my sister.

"i wonder if the boys are doing this downstairs..."

so many things in this picture. i love joy and garrett. that hat saved my life. and there really wasn't a time all week when we weren't being silly and just enjoying each other's presence...

story time. everyone shared what God had been doing in their lives that week. Jesus is sooo good! :]]

the entire group minus Nellie... this sums it all up.

also, if you haven't read the post right before this, you should... anddd uhhh i am fasting for the first time today as part of my resolutions. i'll let you know how it all goes...

edit: okay i was fasting... but i just found out i have to go to swim. it's probably wise to eat so that i don't die, right? dangggg. i'll see what i can do...

not-so-general New Year:

this is what i wrote down during the first night of onething:

"one song... 'the battle is raging. the devil is raging. and i don't want to be sleeping when the battle is raging... let nothing steal my passion for Jesus, let no one steal my passion for Jesus' - the last song of worship... i can't even begin to describe the earlier songs... but sitting between a girl i've known for 24 hours and a total stranger, i am awestruck. many of the things spoken are terribly new to me. i don't even know what to say. i found myself at a loss for words in the middle of prayer. it has been so long since i was close to God, i didn't even know where to begin... all i knew was i was surrounded by 20,000 pople who were all here for the same reason... who were all filled with the Spirit. i wanted that. even being thrown off by the completely different atmosphere, i am floored by the charisma, by the energy, by the Spirit."

okay actually i'm not sure if this was the first night or the second day... it's all running together in my head. but if i know one thing, it is that Jesus is sooo good. i can't even begin to tell you about all that happened, you will have to ask my in person. i really could talk for days about how my life was changed. ahh being filled with the Holy Spirit is so liberating and comforting. it is glorious.


but anyway, i am not one to make New Year's resolutions but this year is different. Mike Bickle talked on the 7 Commitments of a Forerunner:

1. Pray Daily: connecting wth God while changing the world by releasing His power
2. Fast Weekly: positioning ourselves to receive more from God by fasting two days a week.
3. Do Justly: be zealous for good works of compassion and justice that exalt Jesus so we impact the seven spheres of society.
4. Give Extravagantly: experiencing the joy of financial power encounters as we sacrificially give to the Kingdom and support the prayer movement.
5. Live Holy: living fascinated in the pleasure of loving God that overflows to loving people
6. Lead Diligently: taking initiative to minister to others and make disciples by regularly leading in outreaches, prayer meetings, and Bible stuidies.
7. Speak Boldly: being a faithful witness of the ruth with allegiance to Jesus' word.

those are my resolutions...