here goes nothing.

i didn't realize how big of a deal this was.

i've never really written a note in order to express my feelings before. but i just did. after talking to Joyana about everything with my parents, i realized how frustrated i was. she suggested that i write a note so that i could get everything out without interruptions and emotions, and without it having to be a conversation. i have tried having conversations with them, but it's just not working.

i'm pretty much scared to death to give it to them, and i'm not sure how or when i'm going to do it. i just know that it has to be done.

so if you think about it, say a quick prayer for me. and my parents.

i love you all.

independence.

one of my older friends put it this way, "haha, this is funny. you are too independent for your parents." i think this comes from there being such a gap in my childhood. there were either adults or toddlers. i had to figure something out. but anyway, that's beside the point.

i'm sure most everyone, sometime in their high school career, feels this way. i'm not sure i remember the last time i made an important decision for myself. and it's frustrating. i think what is triggering this right now is my plans for this summer. i have been praying for months, literally, that God will provide His plan for my life. i got the answer to that prayer in the mail last week. i recieved a piece of paper with five weeks circled. 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. as i rejoiced, i began to realize all the incredible things that are going to happen this summer. i couldn't help but to run around the Winter Park base [this is where i was when i found out]!

as soon as my parents had a chance to, they told me i had to pick one week to work. i didn't respond for a while. i needed a chance to think and pray about it. i did. i simply couldn't come to peace about the whole situation. when i finally talked to them, i realized that it wasn't just camp that i was upset about it. it was everything. the way they don't approve of my prayer meetings. the way the things i do aren't "mainstream" in their words. and, when i told them i had been praying about this, they blew me off.

normal teenagers are only friends with people from school and church, and i should be a normal teenager and be involved in youth group and my school [i am at church more than anyone in my youth group. i just got back from a class trip, and i am going to be the yearbook editor next year].

their other argument is that i need to stay here and work a real job. while i do understand this point, i think that their main problem is that they think i only go to camp for friendships. now, don't get me wrong, the relationships i have made at camp are some of the greatest things that have ever happened to me. i can't even begin to explain the impact many girls have had on my life. but beyond that, working camp was the hardest, most stressful, most insane, most AMAZING thing i have ever done. nothing can beat playing volleyball with a bunch of sixth and seventh graders in the afternoon, only to later have the oppurtunity to pour wisdom into their lives. you guys know, this is one of the best feelings ever. i don't have to explain it any more.

i guess i'm just stuck. i don't know what to do. i guess i would have an easier time giving up this summer if my parents hadn't made it clear that they just "don't like" the fact that most of my best friends are from camp. i guess i just don't understand why on earth they would be disappointed that i want to spend my saturday nights with ten other teenagers praying and worshipping God. it's frustrating. that is all. i am confused. i need prayer.

Jesus, give me strength.

it's a boy.

my 1998 corolla needs a name.

it's gold.
it's a boy.

i'm taking suggestions.

PLEASE?!

i can cross one thing off my "to do" list:

slacklining.

this is quite possibly the hardest, MOST LEGIT thing i have ever done. we went saturday AND sunday. saturday i barely managed to stand. and by the end of one hour on sunday i had take TWO, count 'em, TWO steps! blahhhh!

nathan is basically pro. haha not really. but definitely better than everyone else.

cash? yeah, not so much...




this is when i FINALLY stood for about three seconds on saturday. victory!

yeah, you should try it sometime.

joy.

never in my life have i experienced the joy of the LORD as heavy as it has been this past week. ever since meeting with Nathan and Philip last week i have been going crazy! no joke. i can't help but run and jump and dance around. i just want to dance through the hallways at school. i can't stop talking. i normally don't talk a lot. but this week, i could not shut up. i just have this incredibly energy from Jesus and it's supa great. i really don't even know what to do about it. all i know is that if this is what life is going to be like from now on, i can not wait! oh geeeez.

um i feel like there was something else i was going to say. blehhh. oh well. for now, please enjoy these two pictures from my retreat this weekend.

it's a good thing i don't mind looking ridiculous.

well it's been a while. like over a week. when i'm busy, blogging is NOT the first thing i think about. here are some highlights of the past week

-we won the relay i was in at swim districts and our girls got third overall.
-ECHO this past week was INCREDIBLE!
-calculus is continuing to kick my butt.
-philip, nathan, and i had a legit prayer and worship time last night. ohhh man.
-Jesus has been so so so so good to me!

that's my life in a nutshell: school, work, homework, worship band, church, JESUS.

i feel like i was writing this for a specific reason, but i just can not remember what that reason was. God has just been blessing us in marvelous ways! we've all been praying for people to surround ourselves with, and with nathan getting delivered from everything, doors have just opened up incredibly! just knowing that we can get together whenever and chill and goof off or have really intense spontaneous worship sessions is wonderful! ah! i just can not get over how good our Lord is to us! mmmmmm.

okay i'll stop rambling now.
Praise Jesus.

at last

"Father, i desire that they all soon, whom You have given me, will be with me where i am. this is what the cross was to Jesus: not a duty that must be fulfilled but a divine vow that He anxiously desired and earnestly longed to give. He did not go through life dreading it, but rather longed for it, knowing that it was His calling and purpose in life as a man on earth at that time to betrothe a fallen harlet back to Himself. i knew that He wanted me to express this to His beloved, how He joyously yearned to get to the cross, looking forward to it as a bridegroom longs for his wedding day. and that upon spilling His blood in recompense, it was, in every sense, His greatest testament and vow of love to us. now He asks that we would make a vow of like kind. that His love would not be scorned, but rather joyously returned. we are the joy set before Him, and now we must set Him as the joy before us. so take up your cross and make your vow. for justice carries mercy and mercy acts in love and love is what defines the means by which the justice does. and thereby, i have come here that true love might be known. for joy is set before me, and, at last, the day has come."

-audra lynn