college is fun. i am enjoying it.
the Lord has already blessed me with incredible people around me. i LOVE kappa. my classes aren't hard.
basically, this is the life.
let's rock.
9.07.2011
8.12.2011
seasons.
never in my life have i experienced a change of season this distinct.
camp. i could write a novel about this summer and what it meant to me. through learning how to love and serve, i learned a lot about myself that i would have never known.
a dear friend wrote me a letter at the end of the summer. in the letter she wrote "I saw a beautiful woman who was hiding, confused, nervous, timid, depressed, reserved. and i watched her be herself, grow, i watched her gain confidence, walk in joy, overcome insecurity, trust people, love people, understand and trust God." reading this and looking back now, i can't believe the place i was in 5 weeks ago. that has never been me. i have never dealt with insecurities that strong. i haven't felt depression in years. somehow in the middle of the best 9 weeks i could have ever asked for, i found myself in a strange, unfamiliar place. a place i honestly didn't know how to get out of. it took God breaking me down in the middle of worship during a Monday staff meeting. i had to be broken in order to let down the walls i didn't even know were there so He could come in.
i learned that i don't trust people--i don't let them in. i learned that i am easily swayed by insecurities. i learned that my flesh is super concerned with approval. BUT, i also learned how to trust God. i learned that everything in my life has happened for a specific purpose. i learned that man's approval does not matter--God approves of what i do. He sees everything i am doing and He is pleased... i didn't just hear these concepts. no. i LEARNED them. after several weeks of giving in to and listening to the lies the enemy was telling me to get me down, something FINALLY clicked.
God used the people around me to teach me trust. i never even knew i had a trust issue. i always wondered why i longed for deeper relationships with people but could never seem to attain them. God used someone close to me to call that out in my life and showed me what it could be like when i trust people.
i am not really sure what i could say to wrap up the summer. it was perfect. i could not have asked for a better two months. i was filled up and poured out more times than i can count, but it was ALWAYS worth it. the Lord's favor on my life was evident, and i am so blessed to have spent this summer as an AC.
but now, i am moving to Fayetteville. tomorrow. for the most part i couldn't be more excited. but, honestly, part of me is scared out of my mind. i know that God will give me the strength to live out everything i've said and taught this summer, but in my mind there will always be a "what if?" what if i mess up? what if i get lazy? what if? another part of me is nervous about trusting people in college. who can you trust? it would be so easy for me to not let anyone in. but i would be miserable.
i think i am just nervous because i am unsure. all of this is a mystery to me. as much as people try to prepare me for college, i won't know until i am there. tomorrow. it's crazy.
"...he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion..."
i will abide by this verse. the Lord started something HUGE in me. and while it is strange that this season is over. i know that his work will carry over into the next. as scary as it may be, the Lord will continue to work on my life in Fayetteville.
He is faithful.
and He is good.
camp. i could write a novel about this summer and what it meant to me. through learning how to love and serve, i learned a lot about myself that i would have never known.
a dear friend wrote me a letter at the end of the summer. in the letter she wrote "I saw a beautiful woman who was hiding, confused, nervous, timid, depressed, reserved. and i watched her be herself, grow, i watched her gain confidence, walk in joy, overcome insecurity, trust people, love people, understand and trust God." reading this and looking back now, i can't believe the place i was in 5 weeks ago. that has never been me. i have never dealt with insecurities that strong. i haven't felt depression in years. somehow in the middle of the best 9 weeks i could have ever asked for, i found myself in a strange, unfamiliar place. a place i honestly didn't know how to get out of. it took God breaking me down in the middle of worship during a Monday staff meeting. i had to be broken in order to let down the walls i didn't even know were there so He could come in.
i learned that i don't trust people--i don't let them in. i learned that i am easily swayed by insecurities. i learned that my flesh is super concerned with approval. BUT, i also learned how to trust God. i learned that everything in my life has happened for a specific purpose. i learned that man's approval does not matter--God approves of what i do. He sees everything i am doing and He is pleased... i didn't just hear these concepts. no. i LEARNED them. after several weeks of giving in to and listening to the lies the enemy was telling me to get me down, something FINALLY clicked.
God used the people around me to teach me trust. i never even knew i had a trust issue. i always wondered why i longed for deeper relationships with people but could never seem to attain them. God used someone close to me to call that out in my life and showed me what it could be like when i trust people.
i am not really sure what i could say to wrap up the summer. it was perfect. i could not have asked for a better two months. i was filled up and poured out more times than i can count, but it was ALWAYS worth it. the Lord's favor on my life was evident, and i am so blessed to have spent this summer as an AC.
but now, i am moving to Fayetteville. tomorrow. for the most part i couldn't be more excited. but, honestly, part of me is scared out of my mind. i know that God will give me the strength to live out everything i've said and taught this summer, but in my mind there will always be a "what if?" what if i mess up? what if i get lazy? what if? another part of me is nervous about trusting people in college. who can you trust? it would be so easy for me to not let anyone in. but i would be miserable.
i think i am just nervous because i am unsure. all of this is a mystery to me. as much as people try to prepare me for college, i won't know until i am there. tomorrow. it's crazy.
"...he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion..."
i will abide by this verse. the Lord started something HUGE in me. and while it is strange that this season is over. i know that his work will carry over into the next. as scary as it may be, the Lord will continue to work on my life in Fayetteville.
He is faithful.
and He is good.
5.31.2011
nine week trip.
it's almost that time. most of you who read this were in my same spot just a couple years ago. i am currently in the process of packing for my first full summer at camp. it's a good thing i started early, because as i pack, i find more and more things that i need. just when i thought i had it all...
anyway, someone should have told me just how much stuff it would be. i mean, look at this:
that isn't even including all of my hanging clothes, shoes, or guitar. yes, some of that will be condensed when it comes closer to Monday, but SERIOUSLY?! i'm not sure Russell can handle all of that. good thing it's only an hour drive.
okay that's enough of that, just thought i'd share my excitement and surprise!
anyway, someone should have told me just how much stuff it would be. i mean, look at this:
that isn't even including all of my hanging clothes, shoes, or guitar. yes, some of that will be condensed when it comes closer to Monday, but SERIOUSLY?! i'm not sure Russell can handle all of that. good thing it's only an hour drive.
okay that's enough of that, just thought i'd share my excitement and surprise!
5.09.2011
right left right
i already wrote this once. but it didn't do my feelings justice. as usual, someone else wrote a song that does a better job expressing my thoughts than i can.
Marchin On - Onerepublic
for those days we felt like a mistake//those times love's what you hate//somehow we keep marchin on//for those nights when i couldn't be there//i've made it harder to know that you know//that somehow we'll keep moving on//there's so many wars we fought//there's so many things we're not//but with what we have i promise you that we're marching on//marching on//for all of the plans we've made//there isn't a flag i'd wave//don't care if we bend//i'd sink us to swim//we're marching on//for those doubts that swirl all around us//for those lives that tear at the seams//we know we're not what we've seen//for this dance we'll move with each other//there ain't no other step that one foot right in front of the other//there's so many wars we fought//there's so many things we're not//but with what we have i promise you that we're marching on//marching on//for all of the plans we've made//there isn't a flag i'd wave//don't care if we bend//i'd sink us to swim//we're marching on//right, right, right, right left right//marching on//we'll have the days we break//we'll have the scars to prove it//we'll have the bonds that we save//but we'll have the heart not to lose it//for all the times we stopped//for all the things i'm not//we put one foot in front of the other//we move like we ain't got no other//we go when we go, we're marching on
this song is the perfect anthem for the transition from one stage of life to another. i know many of us are in similar places. whether it's high school graduation, college graduation, finishing a master's. wherever you are, keep marching on.
peace.
Marchin On - Onerepublic
for those days we felt like a mistake//those times love's what you hate//somehow we keep marchin on//for those nights when i couldn't be there//i've made it harder to know that you know//that somehow we'll keep moving on//there's so many wars we fought//there's so many things we're not//but with what we have i promise you that we're marching on//marching on//for all of the plans we've made//there isn't a flag i'd wave//don't care if we bend//i'd sink us to swim//we're marching on//for those doubts that swirl all around us//for those lives that tear at the seams//we know we're not what we've seen//for this dance we'll move with each other//there ain't no other step that one foot right in front of the other//there's so many wars we fought//there's so many things we're not//but with what we have i promise you that we're marching on//marching on//for all of the plans we've made//there isn't a flag i'd wave//don't care if we bend//i'd sink us to swim//we're marching on//right, right, right, right left right//marching on//we'll have the days we break//we'll have the scars to prove it//we'll have the bonds that we save//but we'll have the heart not to lose it//for all the times we stopped//for all the things i'm not//we put one foot in front of the other//we move like we ain't got no other//we go when we go, we're marching on
this song is the perfect anthem for the transition from one stage of life to another. i know many of us are in similar places. whether it's high school graduation, college graduation, finishing a master's. wherever you are, keep marching on.
peace.
4.18.2011
birthdayzzz.
finally someone else shares my disinterest in birthdays. Allstar Weekend has a song titled:
Party Like It's Not Your Birthday
every clock is ticking faster//taking trips around the sun//another year, another chapter//5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1//drop your calls, lose your keys//until the drinks are gone//get yourself out of your seat, oh oh//quit your bitchin' move your feet//until the break of dawn//cause nobody gives a damn about the day that you were born//this song is for everyone who it ain't your birthday//you gotta party like it's not, party like it's not//this song's for for anyone who is having the worst day//you gotta party like it's not, party like it's not//oh oh oh//party like it's not, party like it's not your birthday//take a sip of the high life//chase it down until you fall//three hundred sixty five nights//why just one if we can have them all?//drop your calls, lose your keys//before the drinks are gone//get yourself out your seat, oh oh//clap your hands, move your feet//until the break of dawn//cause nobody gives a damn about the day that you were born//okay lets lose control//i wanna see everybody on the floor//well go and send your invitations//do it now cause time is wasting//life is tough so fill them cups//one life to live imma live it up//drinks go up, drink 'em down//turn it up, wake up the dawn//turn it up, wake up the town//okay check it out, here's the plan//we gonna dance till we can not stand//move your feet to every beat//o crap, bring it back, put it on repeat//we are going to party till the break of dawn/i don't even know how i'm getting home//it's alright it's okay//it's not even my birthday!
okay, i don't agree with most of the things said in this song. but, i'm really not the biggest fan of birthdays. and i find it interesting that, as light as the mood of this song is, someone else feels the same way. why should your birthday be that much better than every other day? sure, you can take time to appreciate the life you've been given. but don't think that, just because it's your birthday it has to be more important than any other day.
okay, don't get me wrong. i will respect you on your birthday and treat you well. they just aren't MY favorite. they're kind of awk. but, i am looking forward to inheriting $2500 on my 18th next month. PTL.
Party Like It's Not Your Birthday
every clock is ticking faster//taking trips around the sun//another year, another chapter//5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1//drop your calls, lose your keys//until the drinks are gone//get yourself out of your seat, oh oh//quit your bitchin' move your feet//until the break of dawn//cause nobody gives a damn about the day that you were born//this song is for everyone who it ain't your birthday//you gotta party like it's not, party like it's not//this song's for for anyone who is having the worst day//you gotta party like it's not, party like it's not//oh oh oh//party like it's not, party like it's not your birthday//take a sip of the high life//chase it down until you fall//three hundred sixty five nights//why just one if we can have them all?//drop your calls, lose your keys//before the drinks are gone//get yourself out your seat, oh oh//clap your hands, move your feet//until the break of dawn//cause nobody gives a damn about the day that you were born//okay lets lose control//i wanna see everybody on the floor//well go and send your invitations//do it now cause time is wasting//life is tough so fill them cups//one life to live imma live it up//drinks go up, drink 'em down//turn it up, wake up the dawn//turn it up, wake up the town//okay check it out, here's the plan//we gonna dance till we can not stand//move your feet to every beat//o crap, bring it back, put it on repeat//we are going to party till the break of dawn/i don't even know how i'm getting home//it's alright it's okay//it's not even my birthday!
okay, i don't agree with most of the things said in this song. but, i'm really not the biggest fan of birthdays. and i find it interesting that, as light as the mood of this song is, someone else feels the same way. why should your birthday be that much better than every other day? sure, you can take time to appreciate the life you've been given. but don't think that, just because it's your birthday it has to be more important than any other day.
okay, don't get me wrong. i will respect you on your birthday and treat you well. they just aren't MY favorite. they're kind of awk. but, i am looking forward to inheriting $2500 on my 18th next month. PTL.
4.14.2011
didn't see it coming.
if, by chance, you read my last post and are now reading this, you will probably think i am a lunatic.
i will be attending the University of Arkansas in the fall.
surprised? confused? no? well, i am. basically it all comes down to the fact that i was being really close-minded because i WANTED Belmont so badly. but, in reality, it would be dumb for me to not accept all of the opportunity that comes with an Honors Fellowship at U of A. and it's really not a question of whether God will use me or not, He will use me at Fayetteville.
in fact, i'm a little nervous (but mostly excited) about everything He has in store for the next four years. yes, i will probably alwasy wonder what it would have been like to go to Belmont and live in Nashville. but, if, in four years, i still feel called there, what's keeping me from going? i can go to grad school. or even work there.
whenever i would think about attending Belmont, i couldn't be excited because i knew there was still so much to be done in order for me to actually get there and not be thousands of dollars in debt when i graduate. but, in looking forward to Fayetteville, i CAN get excited. i can start thinking about who i will live with, what classes i'll take, what cocurricular activies i'll be a part of. it's all worked out. all i have to do is go (and keep good grades, but hey, if that's what it takes...).
so, i guess all that's left to say is:
WOO PIG!
and praise the LORD for opening my eyes!
i will be attending the University of Arkansas in the fall.
surprised? confused? no? well, i am. basically it all comes down to the fact that i was being really close-minded because i WANTED Belmont so badly. but, in reality, it would be dumb for me to not accept all of the opportunity that comes with an Honors Fellowship at U of A. and it's really not a question of whether God will use me or not, He will use me at Fayetteville.
in fact, i'm a little nervous (but mostly excited) about everything He has in store for the next four years. yes, i will probably alwasy wonder what it would have been like to go to Belmont and live in Nashville. but, if, in four years, i still feel called there, what's keeping me from going? i can go to grad school. or even work there.
whenever i would think about attending Belmont, i couldn't be excited because i knew there was still so much to be done in order for me to actually get there and not be thousands of dollars in debt when i graduate. but, in looking forward to Fayetteville, i CAN get excited. i can start thinking about who i will live with, what classes i'll take, what cocurricular activies i'll be a part of. it's all worked out. all i have to do is go (and keep good grades, but hey, if that's what it takes...).
so, i guess all that's left to say is:
WOO PIG!
and praise the LORD for opening my eyes!
3.31.2011
i'm back.
there has been so much happening that there is no way on earth i could possibly bring you up to speed in every area of my life. but i can fill you in on the two things i am most excited about right now. 1. camp. i was hired as an AC, which most of you probably know. but i am so excited. i know that i will be stretched more than imaginable, and i know at times it will probably suck. but there is no other way can imagine spending my summer. the opportunity to grow relationships with campers and fellow staff is something i've been looking forward to and i cannot wait until this summer! 1. college. now, here's the thing. if i could make my decision right this second, i would go to Belmont. no doubt about it. but everytime i tell my parents that's where i want to go, they tell me to keep thinking and praying about it. so i do. and i still know that's where i am supposed to be. so i tell them again. it's a huge cycle. i have to make a decision before May 1. after visiting Fayetteville a couple weeks ago and sitting down to chat with Chris Tuttle and Niki Mangan, i was reassured that Belmont was the place God wanted me. i felt pressured to go to U of A because of financial reasons but Niki pointed out that not following God's plan would cost a whole lot more than the loans i will have to take out. it was a good reality check. i also pretty much found a roommate at Belmont. this may sound like not a big deal, but for me it is. that is one of the things i was praying hardest for, and as soon as this girl messaged me, i knew that God had us in mind and there was a plan for us. so, i don't know. i guess through all this i'm learning patience and perseverence in prayer. i know that the decision is ulitmately mine, but there does need to be unity in my house. hopefully in a couple days i will have time to get back on and share what God has been teaching me lately. i simply don't have the time and room to do it right now. this post is long enough as is. so, for now, i hope you all have beautiful days and are reminded constantly of the love and joy and deliverance that our beautiful Savior gives us every day.
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