carry me through

lately, spiritually, my life has been dead. at a complete standstill. not going backwards but certainly not going forward... as a result of this I have felt distant... this song is incredible and exactly what I've needed to hear...

crawl (carry me through)
superchick

how long will this take?
how much can I go through?
my heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend but don't break
and somehow I'll get through
because I have you

and If I had to crawl, well you'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall. carry me through
the wonder of it all is you see me through

oh Lord where are you?
do not forget me here
I cry in silence,
can you not see my tears
when all have left me
and hope has disappeared
you find me here

when everything I was is lost,
I have forgot but you have not
when i am lost, you have not lost me



thanks for your time

STOP!

my life has been non-stop lately. i feel as if there is no time for anything. with school, soccer, church, friends, the boyfriend... it's hectic! i don't know why am i telling you this... but i am. i think i just need to complain for a minute to get it out of my system. take last week for example. it was HELL. a really hard soccer game against greenbrier. terrible practices. 4 tests. 2 papers. 1 outline. 2 quizzes. aka terrible. and there was not one night that i was home before 8ish.

so going into school today... i was really tired. and quite frankly i was very much upset to be there. but it was so much better! i didn't do anything in my classes... i went to senor tequila and got to miss choir. soccer wasn't too bad (except for the shin splints... but i'm used to that). and i got to come home and cook dinner. usually i wouldn't be excited about that but it was great! (i cooked spinach tortellini soup... so yummy). and i didn't have any homework. so i just got to veg out on facebook and write this...

so i think that's all i needed to say. i think maybe i just wanted to give you an update on my life. this is it. i'm happy. life is good. the end.

to be passionately in love.

"love is not proud, love does not boast, love after all matters most. love does not run, love does not hide, love does not keep locked inside. love is the river that flows through. love never fails you. love will sustain, love will provide, love will not cease at the the end of time. love will protect, love always hopes, love still believes when you don't. love is the arms that are holding you. love never fails you. when my heart won't make a sound. when i can't turn back around. when the sky is falling down. nothing is greater than this. greater than this. love is right here, love is alive, love is the way, the truth, the life. love is the river that flows through. love is the arms that are holding you. and love is the place you will fly to. love never fails you." -brandon heath.

"oh how He loves us" "how deep the Father's love for us" "I am eternally Yours" "You held on like a lover who couldn't let go of his bride" "I'm falling for You now" "my beautiful love" "don't you know that you are dearly loved" "i was made to love you" "That's what it takes to show you how much i love you" "Great is Your love and Your faithfulness" "A childlike love i had when we first began" "all i need is Your love" "I still love you beyond what words can say..."

for a while now, it seems like everywhere i go, everything i do, and in everything i hear the word LOVE is everywhere. especially referring to God's never ending love for us. i have also felt God's yearning for us to be madly and passionately in love with Him. it still seems as if something is quite fully there, though. and i can't quite figure it out... i am in the perfect position to be fully in love with God, and i am don't get me wrong, but i feel as if i'm not enough in love. as if i'm falling down on the job. i have a burning passion to be bale to feel this great love... and in ways, i do... but i also feel like there is so much more i could be doing. these past two days, the gears in my mind have just been turning non-stop. i've just been lost in my thoughts. and this actually has turned out to be the best thing for me. when i first realized that this theme of love was one that God was trying to get my attention with, i thought He was talking about loving others, but it turns out what He was trying to tell me is that my main priority right now should be to fall deeply in love with Him. My main love and passion should be for my creator: who loves me more than i could ever imagine.

[[this doesn't have a title yet...]]

i call your name, where are you?
the words you say, they aren't so true.
i heard your voice in the midst of the heartache.
up on this mountain, you seem so far away.

i love you so. child you are mine.
i hope you know, i gave up my life.
i want you to remember me
my precious love, eternity

[chorus]
you won't walk with faith so small
but when you stand, i will hold your hand
love of my life, lay down your pride
when you can't get through, i will carry you

look in the mirror what do you see?
do you even remember what you're like with me?
love of my life, don't forget this time
who you were when you were mine

[chorus]

i see you fall, i'll pick you up this time
it'll happen again, child please don't cry
when you're on your knees, remember this
i'll be here waiting with endless bliss

[chorus]





ahava.

simplicity

so this is my second post in 24. very very uncharacteristic of me. but this is necessary. i just finished a conversation with a friend of mine. -- i wish there were a better word than friend or even "best friend." i mean i guess this person could be considered a mentor or accountability partner... but i feel like she's more like my sister -- anywho... she asked me to pray for her, she was stressed.

"I am having a really hard day -- I am hating everything in the world -plastic, concrete, col- eveything-- I hate that humans are so dumb and we make things important that have no eternal value at all - like mla, plaigerism, and college - I think it's partially because I am stressed but I do not see the point in all this stupidity."

she, a lot like me, would much rather be able to appreciate the simple things in life than have to deal with extras. she said she was so stressed and asked if that was normal... she felt like she was crazy. right when she said that, i realized that i do the exact same thing! i get too stressed because people make such a big deal out of small details that will never matter. EVER. sure, they will help me write papers in college, but past that, it doesn't matter how i express my point, as long as i get it across. we get so caught up in the stupid extras... and that makes me so frustrated sometimes! I know it's probably a little bit irrational but I really don't care right now. I just want to be able to enjoy what's going on without being so caught up in what people expect of me (especially when these things are really stupid). but aghhhhh. okay I think I should stop now before I get too carried away...

"I just want simple-simple plans, simple hopes, simple home, simple faith (because it is-not stupid add ins you know) simple peace, simple beauty in weather...simple."

broken from the start

life is a gift like fresh cut roses. cut from the branch and brought inside. it's a slow contradiction. it's beauty in a vase. when the cords are cut that's when we start to die. lately death and life get so confusing. I can't tell the difference here tonight. lately every breath feels like I'm kissing death. and when time is dead we cease to be alive. if you hide yourself deep inside. deep inside. in time you've got nothing left to hide. there's nothing left inside. tonight honey, I'm gonna break your heart. mine was broken from the start. broken from the start. choice is the only thing we're given. for one to live another dies. one road says hello, the other says goodbye. and the road that you don't choose begins to die. they won't pay a cent to hear you laughing. they might pay a little to hear you cry. if you do it long enough, they might even pay attention. but they still won't pay respect until you die. if you hide yourself deep inside deep inside. in time you've got nothing left to hide. it's all dead inside. tonight honey I'm gonna break your heart. mine was broken from the start. broken from the start.

-jon foreman

basically I love this and wanted to share it. the bolder part is my absolute favorite. I love it a lot. the end.

Raisins are Dead

this is for hannah. there was a point to this story. it's like there is a reoccurring metaphor or something... idk. just... enjoy i guess.



Sadie was walking through her favorite market in Florence. Allesia had already bought the groceries, but as usual, she forgot Sadie's raisins. Since this was normally the case, Sadie took her usual route through the narrow alleys to the end of the marketplace where she stopped at Fredrigo's.
"Good afternoon, Miss Sadie," Fredrigo said almost without an accent. This phrase had almost become a part of his daily routine. "How are you today?"
"I think I am okay."
"Buono. Miss Sadie."
"Mr. Fredrigo?"
"Hm?"
"Tell me something new, Fredrigo."
"Like what? What would you like to know?"
"I want to know something about you. Like, what you were like as a kid."
"Miss Sadie. I was very different than you are. I was very rebellious, very hot-headed, you might say."
"Oh. Your wife, Fredrigo. What was she like?"
"She was very much like you, Miss Sadie. Very quiet, calm. She copes the way that you do. I see a lot of her in you."
"Is this why you are so nice to me?"
"It could be. But also, I see something good in you, something special. It's like, the first time I saw you, I knew I would like you very much."
"Oh."
"Yes."
"So your grapes, is there a secret? You grow them yourself, right?"
"Yes, I do grow them. I have a small vineyard in my yard. It's almost a secret."
"I'd like to see. Can I come see sometime?"
"Sure, Miss Sadie, if that's what you want."
"It is, I would like that very much."
"Okay, then, it's set."
"Okay. You know what?"
"What is that?"
"I used to like grapes. But now I really don't too much. That's odd isn't it?"
"Yes, I guess it is rather odd. Considering how much you like these raisins."
"Yes, I'm not sure why I'm so prejudiced against them, but I guess I am."
"Why is a grape so bad in your perspective?"
"They're just so plump, and pretty, and just all around good."
"I guess I've never thought of it that way."
"Nobody ever has." Sadie turned and looked past the stand that sold bell peppers, olives, and tomatoes at the flowing brownish-bluish waters of the river. Couples in gondolas floated by, the glare of the sun on the water was hypnotizing. Fredrigo looked at her and smiled, drawing memories from the back of his mind.
"So why is it Sadie," she turned back around to look at him, "that I get the feeling that you are sick? And tired of all of this?" He pulled out a bundle of grapes and placed them on top of the counter.
"It's not so much that I'm sick of it, I'm just ready for it to be over and to go away for good. It's terrifying."
"Is it? It doesn't have to be."
Sadie looked at him. She didn't have to say any words; her eyes asked the question for her.
"You don't have to keep doing this. There are other places to go. You have the whole world at your fingertips."
"Oh, do I? It's not like I can just get on a plane and go back. Not that I would even if I could. And I can't just go anywhere else in the world. There are limitations you know."
He didn't need to say anything. She could argue with herself, and she would get it.
He was right. After about 15 minutes of Sadie pacing and glancing out over the river she came back to him.
"Well, where should I go?"
"Wherever you want. This is your life."
The bell rang in the old clock tower across town.
"Well would you look at that. It’s 4 o'clock already."
"Oh! I have to go! Bye, and thank you!"
He watched her run off. She stopped after about thirty feet, then ran back to him.
"Can I have a bundle of grapes?"
He handed the bundle that was on the counter to her with a smile and a nod before she ran off again.

Too Full to Eat - David Nasser

this is long, but it's so incredible. please read it.



"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Matt 5:6

"You and I are at the banquet table of God's presence and truth, but too often we are so full of junk that we're not hungry. In actuality, spiritually, we are starving to death. We have settled for garbage instead of feasting on the nourishment God richly provides.
Chris Heurtz is a young man who is the head of Word Made Flesh Ministries in India and all around Asia. This ministry provides shelters for homeless people, those with AIDS, and those inflicted with other diseases. Years ago when he was a college student, Chris went to Calcutta to work with Mother Teresa at the House of the Dying. Calcutta and Mexico City are the largest cities in the world, but Calcutta is the poorest. Most of the thirteen million people there are destitute. Air pollution is oppressive. Poverty and disease are the way of life -- and death -- for most people. Every morning city maintenance workers find bodies on the sidewalk and in the street of those who died during the night. At the House of the Dying, Chris's job was to look for dying people on the street and bring them in to give them a place to die with dignity. Their goal was not to cure these people. It was to give them a dignified place to die. Chris and his fellow workers lovingly cared for them, gave them a good meal, and shared the Gospel with them so they could die in peace.
In Calcutta, 70% of the homeless population have the lung disease of tuberculosis. When you walk down the street, you thousands of old men and women coughing up their lungs. Day after day, hour after hour. Chris's ministry was to find those who had only hours or days to live and invite them, "Come with me. I'll give you a place to lie down." Upon arrival, their heads were shaved, and they were given a shower and a bowl of hot food. Chris then replaced their ragged, soiled clothes with clean ones. There, these men and women say with other dying people who coughed their lungs out into a jar that was passed around. When it was full, the jar was thrown into the garbage with the soiled clothes and infested hair.
Lepers came in with their flesh rotting and their noses, fingers, and toes missing. Their clothes had the stink of rotted flesh. At the House of the Dying, Chris and the other ministers washed these lepers' skin and gave them clean clothes to wear. The job of one of the workers was to stick a syringe into their pus-filled sores and extract the poisonous disease. Each syringe was used for person after person and day after day until it was too dull to pierce skin. Then it was thrown into the garbage can.
Children infected with AIDS, usually girls about four or five years old, were brought to the House of the Dying. How did these little girls get AIDS? By a blood transfusion? No. The dominant faith in India is the Hindu religion. One sect of the Hindus believes their men can get rid of a sexually transmitted disease by sleeping with a virgin—that means a four or five year old child. Many children older than this are already prostitutes. Chris Heurtz brought these children from the streets, and he listen to their screams and weeping. Chris once said, "We prayed the crying wouldn't stop, because their crying meant they were still alive." Lepers, children with AIDS, men and women with terminal tuberculosis—those were the ones Chris and his partners at the House of the Dying looked for each day. That's a far cry from out neat and clean existence, isn't it? At first, the disease and death would gross anybody out, but after a while, Chris saw hurting people in desperate need, not ugly people who interrupted his life.
Chris said, "One thing I begged not to do was taking out the garbage. The stench was almost unbearable. Can you imagine the disease, ragged clothing, and half-eaten food? I begged them not to ask me to do it. It haunted me forever after the first time I took out the garbage. As soon as we walked out the back door toward the dump, children camp out of the alleys and ripped open the bags to get whatever was there. I yelled, 'Don't east this garbage! It's full of disease and death!' But they were so hungry that they ate garbage because that was all they could find. They had no other choice. I wept was I saw them scramble through the spilled jars of disease, the clothing stained with rotten flesh, and used syringes, trying to get scraps of last night's dinner that a dying person didn't eat." Disturbing image, isn't it?! But in all honesty, how far are we from this spiritually? Can you see yourself feasting at the dumpster of this world?
Many of us are like those kids scrambling for garbage. We elbow each other at the mall, at the theater, in the back seat, at home, at work, on the net, and at school in our hunger for food, but the food we lunge and fight for is rotten and diseased—and we eat it. We eat it every time we fill our minds and hearts with sexually suggestive movies or music, every time we live to get revenge on someone who has hurt us, and every time we sty to put things in God's place in our hearts. We are so full of this junk that we aren't hungry for the food that really satisfies and nourishes. Sure, we may listen to a message or a song about God, and that message has as much appeal as another bite of pizza then we are so full we're about to explode. Our souls are so full of garbage that we don't even recognize our need for God's food.
It is a spiritual paradox that when we are thirsty for God and we drink, he satisfies us and yet leaves us thirsting for him even more. When we are hungry for God and eat his nourishing word, we are refreshingly satisfied and yet we are hungry for much more. Augustine said, "You have made us for yourself, O God, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you." This is the same perspective that the prophet Jeremiah spoke: "When your words came, I hate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight. For I bear Your name, O Lord God Almighty." (Jeremiah 15:16). Eating requires intention, selection, and effort. We don't eat by being in the same room with food. We don't take in the grace and truth of God by being in a sanctuary or at a retreat. We have to take initiative to eat because we recognize our need for the spiritual nourishment it can provide. We also need to be very selective when sifting through the potions given to us by the world. Think of how many foods there are in the grocery store. You have lots of options! You have lots of options to eat spiritually, too—but remember, some of the foods you eat will poison you. It takes effort. Hear, read, study, memorize and meditate on the word of God.
Jeremiah had one other insight about "eating God's word." He realized that it only made sense for him to eat it because he bore God's name. We are God's. We call ourselves "Christians." We call him Lord, Savior, Father, and Friend. In many places in the Scriptures, we read that God provides a banquet for his people. God's banquet doesn't have flat Coke and leftover Spaghetti-O's! It has the finest, richest, most delicious spiritual food we can ever eat! When we eat it, we are filled with the love, peace, joy, and strength God richly provides. Nothing even compares!
So why are we so content to keep running out in the alley to rip open the garbage bags of this world to eat that poison? It just doesn't make sense."

-David Nasser

I know that was long, but it was SO GOOD. We read this today in the girls' discipleship j-term class. (I read outloud because no one else wanted to. I think if there was one reason God gave me a love for reading outloud, it was so I would get something out of this story.) well anyway, the fact that I read it instead of just listened to it made me realize a lot. It was not the most comfortable story to read. The story was so detailed that you knew it was true, and it made it easier to feel some of what these workers were experiencing. It made me just uncomfortable enough to stop and think about what he David Nasser (the author) was saying. Some of the garbage we fill ourselves with can be in relationships, possessions, or in our ambitions or goals. I'm not saying these things are bad for you, because they absolutely are not. It's just that a lot of times, we don't enter into these things with a strictly Godly mindset. If we don't use these things the right way (which might be ambiguous at times) they can poison us. The ambiguity of these things makes our pursuit difficult. It's sometimes difficult to enter with Godly intentions. The only thing that can keep us away from the garbage is God's word. During discussion we were asked to share a "time when God's truth and grace was a 'joy and a delight to your heart.'" It was cool to hear the different stories of when people experienced the truth of God's word in their lives. The devotion ended with Psalm 56:3-4 which says, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"